Overcoming Separation Anxiety in Relationships

It’s quite likely that when separation anxiety is mentioned, it brings to mind a young child who struggles to leave their parents’ side and has a huge tantrum when being dropped off at kindergarten or at a play date. While not entirely accurate, do you know that separation anxiety can also occur in adults in romantic relationships? Separation anxiety in relationships is real, and it can be a struggle for many.

Separation anxiety can have a huge negative impact on a relationship. Being able to identify it can help partners support one another meaningfully and help them avoid misunderstandings. This article will explore separation anxiety in relationships, including why it occurs and how it can be overcome.

Adult Separation Anxiety in Brief

Separation anxiety is a form of anxiety that a person has when they are apart from or anticipate being apart from a person or place to which they have a strong attachment. An adult with separation anxiety will often experience excessive worry and fear when they are separated from their children, partner, or spouse. Such worry can be quite disruptive, making it harder to focus at work, in social situations, or in other areas of life.

It can also manifest in adult relationships, including romantic ones. Separation anxiety can affect individuals from any background, age, or gender. Some situations in which it commonly emerges are romantic relationships with deeply intertwined emotional bonds. Family bonds and friendships can also be situations where separation anxiety exists.

Why Separation Anxiety in Relationships Occurs

If your partner or spouse has separation anxiety, it can be helpful to know why it’s happening and how best to support them. Galatians says, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2, NIV) A part of helping your loved one by carrying their burden is to seek to understand what’s going on and why the situation arose.

Separation anxiety will often stem from a profound fear of loss or abandonment that a person has. This fear doesn’t just come out of the blue. Such fears are rooted in past experiences, perhaps of neglect, previous relational trauma, or some other experiences of trauma. After experiencing such things, the fears associated with those experiences can resurface in adult relationships.

Individuals who have experienced insecure attachments or loss are often more susceptible to separation anxiety. Past fears linked to these experiences are more likely to resurface when one becomes deeply dependent on their partner for security and emotional stability.

If your spouse lost a loved one or if they experienced neglect in the past, that generates a sense of insecurity. The bonds that they’d relied upon proved fragile, unreliable, and unable to sustain themselves. It can make it harder to form new attachments, but once those attachments are formed, they may carry a sense of precariousness. Being separated from a loved one can feel like a form of loss, and this can be a terrifying prospect.

The Day-to-Day Shape of Separation Anxiety in Relationships

If you or your loved one struggles with separation anxiety, what might that look like every day, and how does it impact your relationship? In daily life, separation anxiety can manifest in a variety of ways. Some of these may be subtle, while others may be overt. Both can be damaging to the relationship.

Some of the ways separation anxiety manifests in relationships include behaviors such as overcommunication. This might look like excessive calling or texting when apart. A partner with separation anxiety might make numerous calls or texts throughout the day, in an attempt to make and maintain a connection they feel is fragile and needs support. It may also be a way to deal with fears that something bad will happen to them.

Separation anxiety in a relationship might also look like the anxious partner constantly needing reassurance from their counterpart. Continuously seeking affirmations of commitment and love from one’s partner is one way this can happen. This could take the form of direct questions such as: “Do you love me? Are you sure you love me?”

Other ways separation anxiety could manifest include a deep and persistent fear of being alone. They may experience difficulty being alone or struggle to engage in activities without their partner. One may also undergo extreme emotional distress before or during moments of separation. That distress might look like recurring nightmares about separation, sadness, anxiety, or being irritable when separated or if they anticipate being separated.

Lastly, often being overprotective or jealous may be a way separation anxiety shows up. Feeling threatened by a partner’s interactions with other people could be a consequence of separation anxiety.

How Separation Anxiety Impacts a Relationship

If a person has separation anxiety and it affects how they relate to their partner or other loved ones, it ought to be addressed. When separation anxiety is left unaddressed, the main thing it will do is to strain the relationship. The strain can be traced to several things, including conflict. Conflict arises when expectations are unmet or when misunderstandings occur. A partner might be unable to meet their anxious partner’s needs.

Separation anxiety can result in a partner needing constant reassurance of love. This need for reassurance can be overwhelming and emotionally exhausting for their partner. Another challenge is that when separation anxiety leads to overdependence and an inability to function as individuals. It could result in a loss of individual identity and stifling of autonomy and personal growth for both partners.

Overcoming Separation Anxiety in Relationships

How can a couple address separation anxiety so that they can overcome it? This form of anxiety can be persistent, preventing well-being and undermining the health of the relationship. Anxiety can be a huge obstacle to overcome, but with the right support, mutual understanding, and a willingness to work at it, it’s possible to nurture peace while embracing deep personal and mutual growth in the relationship.

Some ways a couple can move together toward overcoming separation anxiety in their relationship include the following:

Acknowledge the anxiety

For the individual with anxiety, it’s important to accept and recognize its presence without judgment. Being self-aware that there is an issue to work through positions you to begin working on the problem.

Reassure, with boundaries

If your partner or spouse has separation anxiety, offer them the comfort and reassurance that they need, but set boundaries so that you don’t wind up fostering dependency. For instance, set a limit to how often they reach out to check in.

Exercise patience and compassion

When a partner has separation anxiety, some of their behaviors toward you may read like deep mistrust. Part of the process of making sense of things for yourself is to understand that separation anxiety is not about mistrusting you as much as it is rooted in a deep fear of loss.

Pray together

Praying and reading Scripture together with your partner or spouse can help to nurture your spiritual and emotional bond. It also makes it easier to hold one another accountable with the truths of Scripture.

Trusting the Lord together to work through your challenges and nurturing open communication between each other and the Lord can make a difference. Prayer is also an effective way to hand over one’s anxieties to the Lord (Philippians 4:6-7; 1 Peter 5:7). Turning to the Lord in prayer can help settle anxieties and provide comfort.

Strengthen your individual identities

Though you’re a couple, you must grow as individuals. That includes having personal interests and hobbies, as well as pursuing spiritual growth. Being deeply rooted in the Lord and in the identity He gives can help to foster deeper confidence and a healthy independence.

Have open communication

Instead of withdrawing from tough conversations, be willing to have honest discussions about your feelings, boundaries, needs, and more. Doing this can help you reduce misunderstandings, share expectations, and build trust.

Seek support

Support can come from your emotional support network of friends, family, and other loved ones. Having many different healthy relationships and points of connection can help change the narrative that past loss or neglect may have written.

Support also comes in the form of professional support, like individual or couples counseling. Christian counseling can offer you strategies tailored to your unique situation so that you can manage separation anxiety better.

Connect with a counselor near you or find one on this site to begin working through separation anxiety issues in your relationships.