Couples Counseling for Money Problems in Marriage

Money has always been, and likely will continue to be, one of the main reasons folks seek couples counseling. It is one of the greatest sources of stress, conflict, and disappointment in our marriages and lives. Yet it’s also totally unavoidable and something we’ll be engaging with our spouse or partner about forever. In this article, we’ll look at ways to work through various money problems in marriage.

Money problems in marriage can be frustrating for many couples, especially when the couple finds themselves coming from vastly different family backgrounds with regard to how money was taught and managed. It is cited as one of the top causes for divorce, one of the top ways in which couples mistrust each other, and something countless couples feel clueless about how to handle and discuss.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Couples can find a healthy way to discuss and engage with money. Folks can do this at home and through couples counseling. In this article, we’ll talk about the common money struggles among couples and couples counseling for financial and money-related struggles. Hopefully, this article will help you and your spouse or partner to communicate better about money and come to a common ground.

Money Problems In Marriage

First, make sure you both have access to all the bank account and billing account numbers, website logins, and password information, and know what your assets are. You both need to know what money you have and where and how to access it. We’ll talk a bit below about a couple of exceptions, but for most couples, this is non-negotiable.

The most common struggle seen in couples and marriages comes from how each person was raised. There are seemingly as many ways to approach money as there are religions. It’s unlikely that you and your spouse/partner were raised with the same approach to money.

This can be confusing and difficult to work through. When we find ourselves leaving our parents’ teaching and trying to figure out a “we” vs me” way to approach money, things can get messy. Couples need to figure out what they will do to manage their money together.

This is not to say that we toss out the instruction from our parents. Nor is it to say that each couple has to reinvent the wheel and figure out a whole new way to manage money. You may find that you both decide to stick with the teaching one of you grew up with. Or you may decide to combine them both in your financial approach. You may even decide to go your own way and come up with your family’s unique approach.

It is important to remember that money comes with a lot of mental, emotional, and psychological weight. If we didn’t grow up in a home with financial wisdom and good financial habits, this is going to take a lot of time to overcome.

Addiction, impulsive shopping, and destructive habits often have a financial impact. They almost always have a financial impact. For those with substance abuse struggles and addiction, the money has to come from somewhere to support their vice of choice.

Those with pornography addictions may start with free porn, but it often escalates to paid. Sex addicts are almost always paying for sexual experiences. Most vices, destructive habits, and addictions are not free.

Nor is impulsive shopping free – it can bankrupt people. The worst part is that these are all often done in secret from the other spouse/partner. They may have a secret bank account or credit card. Some people get a second job that they don’t tell their spouse/partner about. There are many ways couples may find to hide their addiction or habit from their partner- including hiding how it is being paid for!

Having separate bank accounts as a married couple is another common struggle that often comes as a surprise to people. In most cases, this is not a great idea. This gives much greater room for secrecy, deceit, and lies. Having split finances gives a sense of not truly being united as a married couple.

Plus, it gets confusing to figure out who is paying for what and navigating splitting up bills. When we live with roommates, we’re likely not sharing food, sharing a vehicle, covering each other’s medical bills, etc. These are all things married couples should be doing. Having separate bank accounts makes this much more complicated.

It can also give the lower-income-earning spouse a sense of being less valued. Especially if they’re getting “paid” by the higher-earning spouse to help cover some of their expenses. It can place a huge emotional and mental burden on them. This can also dramatically affect self-esteem and a sense of trusting your spouse.

One spouse controlling 100% of the money is another common struggle. In many couples, there is one person who is “good” with money and another who isn’t. Or one spouse who likes to deal with finances and another who doesn’t. Often, this leads to one person taking over all of it and not communicating with their spouse about what’s going on.

Both of you must know what’s happening to your money. Even if one person primarily “runs the books,” the other should always be involved in decisions and setting the budget.

Not only does this provide for accountability, but it ensures you’re both on the same page and comfortable with what’s happening. Plus, if something should happen to one of you, it would be incredibly hard to figure out what your spouse was doing with the finances while you’re in the midst of grief.

Note that in some cases, separate accounts and/or one person managing all the money is the right thing to do. This can also apply to one spouse not having full access to all the financial information and assets. Your counselor and a financial advisor can help figure out what is best.

Folks who have struggled with shopping addiction, emotional shopping, and other destructive financial habits may need to have their bank account. There may be other circumstances where this applies. The other spouse can carefully monitor this account and control how much access they have to money.

Just like we would take an alcoholic away from alcohol, some folks cannot have access to money. There are legitimate and specific mental health struggles that are related to money. Those who have decreased cognitive abilities may also need to have their own bank account or have their spouse control 100% of the money. Every situation is different; make sure to feel out what works best for you.

Couples Counseling For Money-Related Struggles

Working with a Christian couples counselor in California to help with money problems in marriage can be incredibly helpful. Remember that they are not a financial advisor. You may choose to get your own financial advisor in the process, however.

Couples counseling can help you work on the following:

• Overcoming negative messages received in childhood about money
• Figuring out what approach you both want to take to money
• Communication skills
• Navigating deceit or lies in the relationship caused by money
• Working through mental barriers to healthy money management and choices
• Impulse control related to impulsive spending
• Shopping addiction
• Financial impacts of substance abuse, pornography, and other addictions
• Recovering from the financial impact of negative choices
• Communication skills with children and money
• Developing a Biblical understanding of money and stewardship
• Barriers related to culture and upbringing
• Unhealthy habits established early in the relationship
• Children and money
• Teaching kids to manage money
• Teens and adult children who are impulsive or lack control when given money
• Premarital counseling related to your financial future together
• Newlywed counseling to help form a solid foundation for your marriage
• Trauma related to money, such as job loss, unemployment, homelessness, financial insecurity, and others
• Boundaries with parents, in-laws, other relatives, and finances
• Work-related boundaries
• Deciding how to tithe and who to give money to
• Discernment and communication on major purchase decisions
• Discernment and communication on job changes
• Deciding your values related to money
• Group counseling about finances or finance-related addiction and trauma

As you can see, there’s a lot to cover when it comes to money problems in marriage! Working with a counselor and a good financial advisor can be life-changing for couples. Some couples in decades-long marriages still struggle with money until they bring in professional help. These issues can overflow into every other area of your marriage and life. If you’re dealing with money problems in marriage, don’t hesitate to reach out.