Tips for Controlling Your Temper

I’ve never been to a rodeo before, but I’ve always watched, enraptured, as the bull or bronc rider, bulldogger, or the header and heeler performed their various tasks and tricks. Whether it’s riding a bucking bull or horse, there’s a sense of sheer terror and delight that comes with watching someone try to control something so wild. The closest most of us will come to that is watching them at it, or, much closer to home, trying to control our own temper.

The comparison between the rodeo and controlling your temper and the things it makes you do isn’t that far off. The Apostle James talks about taming our tongues and how hard it is to bring that little organ under control (James 3:1-12). This is remarkable considering that we can control huge ships, make horses and cows obey us, and even steer a car. Controlling your tongue, however, and controlling your temper seem much harder by comparison.

The Unhelpful Stories We Tell Ourselves About Our Temper

Anger is a natural human emotion, something we have all felt at one point or another in our lives. However, when it’s left unchecked, it can become a destructive force in our lives. Scripture talks about our anger in several places, including James 1:19-20. It’s a journey of faith and of growth in wisdom to learn how to manage your temper and your anger effectively.

One place to start that journey is to explore the misconceptions and the false stories that we tell ourselves about our temper. These stories will often contribute to a foul temper and keep us trapped in unhelpful patterns of behavior. Many angry behaviors are learned patterns of behavior. What has been learned, especially if it isn’t helpful, can and must be shed, as that is part of the old self before faith in Jesus (Ephesians 4:22).

There are some common narratives that we tell ourselves, an inner dialogue that we keep going, that can fuel our temper. A common anger-justifying narrative includes the thought, “I have a right to be angry!” When you’ve been hurt, the fact that you’re in the right can drive a huge amount of anger toward the person who hurt or wronged you.

Another common narrative is: “They always do this, and it’s on purpose.” Terms such as always or never speak absolutes that can cloud matters. Additionally, assuming intent on the part of the other person also justifies the anger I’m feeling toward them. This leads me to believe that I can nurse it without feeling guilty about it.

Lastly, there’s another story that goes, “If I don’t let my rage show, nothing will change.” Anger often feels like power. If you’re caught up in a situation where you feel trapped, and previous actions haven’t yielded results, explosive anger might seem like a viable option.

One of the issues with these stories we tell ourselves is that they keep us trapped in cycles of resentment. They also make it hard to see other possible solutions that involve creatively channeling anger without it straying into unhealthy territory. They lead us to stray across the line drawn in Scripture: “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.” (Ephesians 4:26-27, ESV)

The Negative Effects of an Uncontrolled Temper

When your anger is in control of you, and not the other way around, how does that affect you and your life? An uncontrolled temper can affect just about every area of your life, including your work, your health, your relationships, and more. Relationally, having a temper, which can result in outbursts or silently seething with anger, can damage trust and the intimacy you share with your loved ones.

Emotionally, anger can sometimes act like venom, poisoning everything it comes in contact with. Feeling constant anger tends to erode your sense of inner peace, and it can also breed bitterness and resentment in your heart. The ill feelings you carry toward others who have wronged or hurt you leave their mark on you. You’re unable to pray for them or bless them, as Scripture outlines (Matthew 5:43-48; Romans 12:14-21).

An uncontrolled temper and harboring anger can dull your sensitivity to the Lord’s voice, and it can also hinder prayer (Mark 11:25). Our kind of anger, writes James, “…does not produce the righteousness of God.” (James 1:20, ESV) Uncontrolled anger deprives you of the kind of life with right relationships that God desires for us all.

Lastly, an uncontrolled temper also affects you physically. Prolonged anger can contribute to a range of physical ailments, including headaches, high blood pressure, and putting strain on your heart.

Signs that You Need to Control Your Temper

If you want to grow as a person and begin controlling your temper so that it isn’t a hindrance, being able to recognize the signs of a bad temper is essential. Some of the signs to keep an eye out for, and that you can ask your loved ones if they see in you, include the following:

• Sarcasm or passive-aggressive behavior, like giving the silent treatment
• Frequent impatience or irritation over small matters
• Explosive reactions to situations
• Silently seething instead of communicating anger
• Frequent physical tension, such as a tight jaw, shallow breathing, clenched fists
• Verbal abuse of others when you feel angry
• Threats and physical damage to property or harm to others
• Strained relationships or repeated apologies to others for your outbursts
• Legal problems due to your temper and anger

As you consider how best to bring your temper under control, you don’t have to figure it all out by yourself. Below are some tips and pointers to help you on the way. Some things may be helpful for you to unlearn, as they contribute to unhealthy and unhelpful learned patterns of behavior that encourage anger. Instead of nursing your anger, it’s important to learn how to release it.

Things to Let Go Of

Some habits and thought patterns to let go of would include:

Unwarranted Expectations Assuming others should behave according to our expectations can breed resentment when they fail to live up to the standards we’ve set. Feeling entitled about how others should behave only serves to fuel frustration. Have reasonable expectations and communicate these clearly instead of assuming that others should behave in certain ways.

Believing Anger Is Power Anger is a powerful feeling that can be overwhelming. The adrenaline and other hormones released as part of anger can make you feel powerful. When it isn’t channeled appropriately, your anger can be displayed through a raised voice or angry posture. These don’t make you strong; instead, they often reveal insecurity.

Being Defensive Anger can do for you what puffing up does for certain creatures. It’s a way to defend yourself against an external threat. If you don’t pursue healing, past hurt can make you lash out, sometimes against people who have nothing to do with it.

Equating Venting With Relief Having a rant about things often escalates your anger instead of calming it. Instead of venting, talking it through calmly can help you gain perspective.

These patterns of thought won’t undo themselves. They require intentionality and submitting yourself to the Lord for Him to do the work of renewal that only He can. He reshapes your reactions, priorities, and thought patterns (Romans 12:1-2).

Things to Do

To control your temper, you can implement tips such as choosing to pause and pray before you react to something. Take a breath, ask the Spirit for help, so that you don’t give in to impulsive anger. Additionally, you can do the following:

Identify your triggers Some people journal, other write notes to help them keep track, but the important thing is to chronicle the kinds of situations that provoke anger. Being aware of your own anger is a helpful first step to making a change.

Learn to step away You don’t have to stay in certain situations. You can physically remove yourself from the triggering environment to prevent any rash outbursts.

Respond, don’t react: Instead of just reacting in the moment or lashing out, choose to respond thoughtfully. Take the time to reflect on Scriptures that can guide your responses, such as the Scripture that says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1, NIV)

Seek accountability and support You don’t have to take this journey alone. A wise and trusted mentor, friend, or trained and licensed counselor can help you to process your emotions and experiences in a godly way. Your counselor can, for instance, help you understand that controlling your temper isn’t about suppressing your emotions, but about submitting your heart to Christ.

If your temper is getting the best of you, help is available. Reach out to our office and connect with a counselor who can work with you to bring your temper under control.