Working Through Ambiguous Grief

There are various kinds of loss and different forms of grief that can flow from that loss. Your loss and your grieving process to help you work through that loss won’t necessarily look like someone else’s. Ambiguous grief is a particular form of grief that arises in specific experiences, and it names experiences that could otherwise get dismissed or not recognized in the same way as other forms of loss. Knowing this could make a huge difference for you.

When you have an experience that you struggle to name, it can make it harder to come to grips with that experience. Naming something gives us a measure of control over it, and it can help us find ways to even talk about it. The term ‘ambiguous grief’ helps individuals to identify loss in their own lives, and it can be a helpful tool in finding some measure of healing.

An Outline of Ambiguous Grief

What exactly is ambiguous grief? It is a form of grief that sets in when a person experiences an undefined loss, or a loss that doesn’t provide them with the closure that other forms of loss often come with. The grief is ambiguous because of the lack of clear boundaries and the uncertainty that surrounds the loss.

When you’re experiencing ambiguous grief, the situation that you find yourself in is one that typically leaves you in an in-between state, or a state of limbo. It’s not entirely clear whether the right thing to do is to move on or to mourn fully. Being in that place of uncertainty can be quite taxing, and it is part of what makes ambiguous grief challenging.

Several kinds of experiences can fall into the space of ambiguous grief. Broadly speaking, there are two kinds of ambiguous loss that a person can experience, which in turn lead to ambiguous grief. The first kind is where there is a physical presence that’s accompanied by a psychological absence. The second is where there may be a psychological presence, but it is coupled with a physical absence.

Let’s start with the latter, where there is a physical absence with a psychological or emotional absence. This is the sort of situation where someone is gone in a physical sense, but they are still present emotionally or psychologically.

A good example of this is where a person has a child but has to give them up for adoption. They carry that child in their heart and mind long after they can no longer hold them in their arms.

Another example of this form of ambiguous loss is when a parent and child are estranged from one another. The same can hold for siblings and other relationships, too. Ambiguous loss is also the result when a loved one in a combat zone goes missing in action, or if a loved one leaves home or disappears without explanation, and you don’t hear from them again. A divorce or the end of a close-knit relationship also falls into this bracket.

The other broad type of ambiguous loss is where, though there might be a physical presence, there is a psychological absence, nonetheless. The person may be around bodily, but mentally or emotionally, they are quite unavailable. Examples of this would include where a loved one is in a long-term coma or has experienced a severe brain injury that incapacitates them.

Two other examples of this would be when a loved one struggles with substance abuse and addiction, or if they have a serious mental illness. It can feel like you’re slowly losing a loved one when they have dementia or Alzheimer’s disease. Though they are present, they feel increasingly distant from you.

The Difference Between Ambiguous Grief and Typical Loss

It’s helpful to be able to discern how ambiguous grief differs from typical loss. This can allow you to better identify what you’re going through, especially if it doesn’t feel or look like typical grief. Some differences that exist between them would include the following:

A Recurring Uncertainty The circumstances in an ambiguous loss and grief situation may change unpredictably, and that can lead to hope and despair being features of the experience. You might hear news about an estranged loved one that ignites hope.

A loved one trapped in substance abuse might enter rehab and recover, and there are good days even with conditions like dementia or Alzheimer’s. You hope one day, and despair the next, unlike typical loss.

A Lack of Closure With ambiguous grief, there is no clear end, and the loss is less defined. This can make it harder to process the experience because it is ongoing and unresolved.

Social Invisibility Certain forms of loss receive broad acceptance in a given family, community, or culture, such as the death of a loved one. With ambiguous loss and grief, there isn’t always that same acknowledgement that what has happened is a form of loss, and your grief is warranted. Perhaps what you’re going through is something most people haven’t experienced, and they don’t know what to do with it or how to validate your grief.

Ambiguous loss and grief can leave you feeling isolated and uncared for, particularly if others don’t give your experience the same weight of recognition as other forms of loss. The lack of closure and the recurring uncertainty that accompany ambiguous loss can leave you uncertain about how to deal with the loss effectively. There are, however, some helpful strategies you can implement to help with ambiguous grief.

Strategies for Working Through Ambiguous Grief

Ambiguous loss and the grief that accompanies it can be complex and difficult to deal with. However, the unique challenges this form of grief presents aren’t insurmountable. Loss of any kind is devastating, but you can find ways to cope effectively with it. Some strategies that you could implement to help you manage and work through your ambiguous grief include:

Recognize and acknowledge the ambiguity Accept that the uncertainty and the lack of resolution or closure are a real part of your experience. It may be an uncomfortable reality to face, but acknowledging the ambiguity will help you adapt and find appropriate and healthy ways to cope.

Name the grief There is power in our words (Proverbs 18:21), and one of the ways to use that power is to name your grief as such. When you label what you’ve gone through as loss, and your current experience as one of grief, you permit yourself to grieve, even when others around you don’t see things the same way. Putting a label on your feelings and experience helps you to process them.

Adjust your expectations There is a difference between ambiguous grief and other forms of grief. One difference and a strategy that can help you work through it is to release any pressure or expectation you may have to find closure or have things return to ‘normal’. Releasing yourself in this way can help make you less prone to the recurring uncertainty that comes with ambiguous grief.

Set your boundaries around hope With ambiguous grief, there is always hope that things could change. However, that hope can become unhelpful if it isn’t tempered with reality. It’s a difficult balance, but you can allow hope in without necessarily allowing it to trap you in waiting. Set limits for your hope, especially if it hinders you from going about the business of living well.

Create meaning As you grieve, the sense of loss can rob you of meaning. Through rituals, journaling, creative expression, or new endeavors to engage yourself in, you can process the loss and learn to live life in the aftermath.

Focus on what you can control Ambiguous grief can leave you scrambling for purchase because so much is out of your hands, and it seems to be in flux. What you can do for yourself is to prioritize self-care and to engage in routines that help to ground you. Do what you can to promote your well-being and trust the Lord with that and everything else that isn’t within your control.

If your loved one is experiencing ambiguous grief, take the time to listen to them without offering solutions or false hopes. Allow them to define the situation and their experience as they see it, and remind them that their grief is valid even without any closure.

If there are rituals or activities that help bring them comfort, you can join them in that. You can also suggest that they seek support from a therapist familiar with ambiguous loss and grief.

Seek professional support You can seek out empathetic loved ones who can journey with you. There are support groups for people who have undergone similar types of loss and grief, and these can be places where you feel understood. A professional counselor can help by not only validating your experience but also guiding you as you make sense of it and emerge from it.

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