“Why Can’t I Stop Drinking?” Help for Alcoholic Behavior

“Why won’t you just stop drinking?” This phrase has been uttered time and time again by the frustrated loved one of an alcoholic. For those of us who don’t struggle with alcohol dependence, we wonder why they can’t simply quit drinking.

Marriages and families struggle or are even torn apart. Jobs are lost and ministry is compromised. Sometimes individuals find themselves in situations they never imagined in order to get a drink. There is often lying, deceit, and manipulation involved. All the while family and friends sit by wondering why the person they love doesn’t walk away from it.

Those who struggle with alcoholism often desperately want to quit. They’ll utter seemingly sincere, repentant apologies and then go out and drink again that evening. It can become a self-defeating cycle that truly needs outside intervention.

The struggle to get free from the tight grip that alcohol has them in is a daily battle. It can feel defeating, shameful, and even embarrassing for both the individual and their family. Secrecy often rules the day as Christian families try to hide this behavior.

In this article, we will explain what alcoholism is, how it may present itself, and ways that loved ones can be involved in recovery. Being the family member or close friend of someone struggling with alcohol can be overwhelming. Especially if the person is a functional alcoholic and the news has come as a big shock and surprise. It is our hope that the hiding will stop and healing can begin.

What is alcoholism?

“Alcohol Use Disorder” is a new addition to the DSM-5. It is a combination of several alcohol-related conditions. Most people know these struggles as alcoholism. There is a wide spectrum in terms of severity, symptoms, and presenting struggles with alcoholism.

The underlying similarity is that the individual has become dependent on alcohol and is unable to control, or stop this dependence. A case will be labeled as mild, moderate, or severe after assessment. Several different conditions and diagnoses may be made. For our purposes in this article, we’ll refer to the broad spectrum of alcoholism.

Treatment ranges from counseling to intensive inpatient rehab programs. In severe cases, individuals will go through intense withdrawal. This must be medically managed and monitored. Going “cold turkey” may present a health problem. We can advise the best course of treatment after a thorough assessment.

Common struggles and behaviors include:

• Craving alcohol
• Inability to sleep without a drink
• Sneaking alcohol or hiding it around the house
• Inability to control drinking
• Preoccupation with drinking and frequent discussion alcohol
• Unsuccessful attempts to stop drinking
• Withdrawal symptoms when alcohol use ceases for a time
• Inability to celebrate a special occasion without a drink
• Increasing tolerate – needing to drink more to get the same effect
• Majority of the time in a day is spent finding, or recovering from alcohol use
• Recurring impact of alcohol consumption on work, home life, school, tending to children, family life, etc.
• Giving up on social, interpersonal, or work activities
• Behavioral changes after drinking

Involving loved ones in alcohol treatment to stop drinking

In most cases, counselors will involve family members in alcohol treatment. This may look a little bit different, depending on the type of treatment program, but the basics will be the same. Abuse, neglect, or other dangerous/harmful behaviors will, of course, involve a special course of treatment. Individual counseling and group counseling with the rest of the family will be an important part of healing as well.

It is important for family members to know their loved one has a chemical dependency. Counselors will help to educate the family on the ins and outs of this dependency. It is important to understand this chemical dependency. Family members often find themselves frustrated that their loved one won’t give up drinking. Treatment is necessary to fully recover. They’ll need specific medical intervention, treatment, and in some cases in-patient care to overcome.

Family counseling will be needed to rebuild and repair the family unit. This is often needed for many years as the layers of damage are undone. The other spouse, children, and even parents and extended family will usually be invited in. Alcoholism usually brings about unhealthy behaviors in family members as well as unhealthy patterns and routines.

Counseling helps to disrupt and change these cycles and build positive behaviors.

Children often experience great burdens when living with someone who is trying to quit. Because of their ego development, kids internalize and blame themselves for others’ behavior. This is why children will often say “it’s all my fault” when, to an adult, it clearly wasn’t their fault at all. Getting the proper counseling and support for children will be essential in helping to work through these struggles.

Marriages also take a heavy hit during this process. During the rebuilding period of a marriage everyone will need to tread lightly and with great care. Financial struggles, social burdens, and fighting are common in the marriage of an alcoholic. Spouses often become enablers bringing them into a vicious emotional cycle that needs time to unravel.

Learning to rebuild a healthy marriage with Christ at the center takes a lot of work but is a crucial part of successful treatment. The marriage can be healed with counseling, open communication, and a commitment.

Bringing friends, mentors, elders, or pastors into the process

In some cases, the person needing to stop drinking will not recognize there is a problem or will not be willing to seek treatment. In this case, the Biblical model of getting others involved in the process may be necessary. A family member might begin counseling to seek advice on helping their loved one.

When the right time comes others may be invited into the process as well. These people can help the family member to address the problem directly with the individual themselves. They can also provide an additional layer of emotional, spiritual, and mental support during this difficult time.

Sometimes hearing something from a family member doesn’t hold the impact as hearing it from someone outside of the family. Involving trusted and respected individuals should happen carefully and with guidance. The process should be covered in prayer and directed by the leadings of God to know who to involve and at what point to invite them in. If abuse is involved as well, others may need to be involved in getting the rest of the family to safety.
Trusted friends, mentors, or people from the church can also be invited into the counseling process. It can be therapeutic for both the person in recovery and those closest to them to engage in counseling.

Sometimes churches decide to start a support group or present a class when a parishioner is in recovery. Inviting others in may feel scary and vulnerable. Often families cover these struggles with a lot of secrecy. This can be done over the course of treatment and is an important part of the journey for many.

Resources for family members of an alcoholic

Family members experience a big emotional, mental, and spiritual toll. Fortunately, there are many resources and Christian support organizations that exist. Work with your counselor to decide what will be helpful for your healing journey. Throughout the process a counselor may suggest, or use, any of the following:

• Group therapy
• Al-Anon, Alateen
• Adult Children of Alcoholics
• Study groups
• Books
• Pastoral counseling
• Celebrate Recovery program
• CoDa
• Conferences and retreats
• Therapeutic separation
• Bible studies and community groups

It is important to stay engaged and find a strong support network for the whole family during this journey. As awareness grows of the struggles of dependency, so does the response within the church. Many churches offer support for family members as well as individuals who want to stop drinking. Please know it is ok to feel hurt, confused and lost. We hope this information will help you decide the next right thing to help your loved one move forward.