Seven Stages of Grief During the Holiday Season

2020 has been anything but normal, and this holiday season may look much different than usual. People have already had to grieve many losses this year, and it seems like they will have to grieve even more. With COVID restrictions in place, a big family Christmas is unlikely.

Favorite holiday parties may not happen, holiday festivals are canceled, Christmas concerts at school are not happening, and traveling may be out of the question. Many may not even be able to have their church’s annual Christmas program. Christmas may be with immediate family or close friends only, and it may be a financial strain even to think about purchasing presents.

It’s hard to appreciate these traditions until they are gone. This year people may need to grieve the holiday losses. Fully grieving is important. If one does not walk through the pain of it, the pain does not subside. It only grows over time. May say that there are five stages of grief based on the book On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, but others say there are seven.

Seven Stages of Grief During the Holiday Season

This article will focus on the seven stages of grief in relation to the holiday season. Grief is not linear, and these stages do not always go in order. Most of the time, grief comes in waves and is more circular, meaning that one may move through a stage only to experience it again later. Some people may not walk through every stage, either. That does not mean someone is grieving wrong or not “over” their grief. However, the hope is for the “waves of grief” to decrease in frequency and intensity over time.

There is not much time to grieve everything lost this holiday season, but it still is important not to rush any of it. People may find that this process will help them to grieve the other losses of 2020, too.

The seven stages are as follows:

Shock and Denial

This is a stage of unbelief, numbness, and denial of the loss. People usually feel like this at the beginning of the loss. This year people may not feel any shock over new losses because the numbness has been present most of the year. The shock seemed to be present mainly in the spring when the country shut down and schools closed their doors.

By this time, nothing seems surprising anymore. Some may still be in denial, though. People may still be planning on seeing a lot of their extended family members even though it is not safe to do so. Some may still be in denial that COVID exists. This denial does nothing but hinder the grieving process, and it can hurt others, too. Answer the question, “What feels unbelievable to me?”

Pain and Guilt

There has been so much pain this year, but not being able to see family for Thanksgiving or Christmas or go to the fun holiday events that people normally go to may feel painful. It may even feel unbearable. Some extended family may want to gather, and a person does not feel it is wise, so they opt out.

They may feel guilt over that decision. Others may not be able to spend much on Christmas presents this year, and they are struggling with guilt. The pain of it all is real. It’s good and healthy to acknowledge it. Bring that pain and guilt before God and share it with Him. Tell a trusted friend or loved one how it feels. Do not ignore it or stuff it away but move through it. Answer the question, “What hurts the most?”

Anger and Bargaining

People often begin to feel anger and take it out on others. They are experiencing anger toward the government, toward people who are not taking safety precautions, toward school boards, and even toward God.

They may even try to bargain with God, saying something like, “If you take this virus away and let us have a normal family Christmas, I’ll do anything you ask,” or “If you give us what we need this year to buy presents, I’ll do _____.” In grief and loss, people begin to feel desperate. This desperation leads them to act in irrational ways.

Acknowledge anger. If there are questions, ask them. If anger feels out of control, practice relaxation skills so that aggression doesn’t take over. Take deep breaths, walk away, and spend some time in prayer.

Remember that bargaining with God never works. Instead, pray out the anger. Say your thoughts out loud in the presence of God. He can handle what you have to say. Answer the question, “What am I most angry about?”

Depression

Intense feelings of sadness, excessive crying, withdrawal, and a feeling of hopeless are a large part of grief. People have lost hope that COVID will go away, that businesses will reopen, that celebrations will return. People struggle to believe that their finances will be stable again or that their children will be back in school.

It is important not to sit in the numbness so long that one is unable to feel the anger, pain, and sadness. However, when those feelings become debilitating, that is unhealthy, too. Though your sadness this year is completely justified, living in that place for too long is not good.

Share it with a friend and with God. Let the tears come freely when needed. Answer the questions, “What am I grieving? What saddens me most about this holiday season?”

The Upward Turn

Once moving through the intensity of the stages of grief related to pain and anger and sadness, the mind and body feel more relaxed and calm. Though the pain over everything lost has not gone away, the emotions are more bearable in this place. It is similar to the way the body feels after a good cry. This is indicative that more hopeful times are coming. Rest is key here. Answer the question, “How am I feeling now?” and “What feels better about this situation?”

Reconstruction and Working Through

This is a stage when you can put some broken pieces back together and keep carrying on. Though at times this feels impossible, it is important to be able to keep living. If you can’t do your normal holiday things, create new ones that are meaningful and simple. For example, if you cannot have a big family Christmas dinner, have a fancy dinner with your immediate family.

If you can’t buy a lot of presents, make some homemade baked goods for people. If you can’t get out and look at Christmas lights, drive around to do it. Make a holiday plan that does not feel sad, that feels fun and joyous, despite what you may be missing out on. Answer the question, “How can I make the most of this situation?”

Acceptance and Hope

You may have already gotten to a place of acceptance during this pandemic, but some may not have. This is an important piece of the puzzle; an acceptance of what is and the new way of life. It opens the door for hope to come in for the future. Remember that this virus won’t last forever. There will be a vaccine at some point.

You will be able to gather with your family and friends again. Your kids will get to go to school again, and you will get to be in church without a mask on one day. Next year, hopefully, the holidays will feel normal again. Though the pain is real, the hope is, too. Accepting things we cannot change is freeing, and finding hope keeps us steady in this chaotic world.

Christian Counseling for the Grieving Process

Maybe this will be one of the most special holiday seasons yet. All the bells and whistles are stripped away, and the only thing left to focus on is Jesus, the hope of the world. Answer the questions, “What do I need to accept as reality?” and “What is true about Jesus that brings me hope for what is to come?”

If you’d like to meet with a Christian counselor regarding the seven stages of grief or another concern you may have, please contact us today to schedule an appointment.