Have you ever heard the phrase, “Expectation is the thief of joy”? Our minds are powerful tools, especially when it comes to our imaginations. There are many upsides to this superpower, including the fact that we can often transcend our circumstances by imagining a better future for ourselves and then striving toward it. That power of imagination (as well as the sense of hope) can keep you going when your present circumstances are dire.
In comic books and similar fare, superpowers often have a downside or a weakness. To use Superman as an example, though he is strong, fast, and can fly, he is susceptible to kryptonite as well as to magic, among other things.
With our imaginations, as powerful as they are, one weakness or downside is that they can be so powerful that they overwrite reality, or they can be so over the top that when the real thing comes along, our expectations aren’t met, and we are deeply disappointed.
When it comes to men and sex, there is a lot to say about the role imagination plays, and how, sometimes, the way imagination can create certain expectations can be a serious thief of joy. Some married couples struggle in their sex life for various reasons, and men need to be aware of some of the reasons why sex can be an issue in marriage, as well as how to sensitively and wisely approach this important area of a couple’s life together.
What the Church and Culture Say About Sex and Marriage
To get a clear picture of what shapes expectations and one’s imagination about sex, and how that, in turn, affects one’s sex life, it can help to consider some of the messaging men get regarding sex.
Sometimes this messaging is contradictory, while in other situations it aligns in harmful ways. For men who love the Lord Jesus and want to honor him with their bodies and their lives, it’s also true that they receive different messages from the culture around them, and from the church as well.
Some of the messaging from the church about sex goes like this:
Hold off on sex now, and I promise it’ll be great in marriage Preston Perry and his wife, Jackie, had an interesting discussion about sex and marriage on their podcast. They made some valid observations about the purity culture that gripped many evangelical Christians in the 1990s, and how that affected people’s expectations about sex in marriage.
They make the point that the idea of holding off on extramarital sex to get better sex in marriage is a type of prosperity gospel in which you give to God to get rewards from Him.
Such thinking generates disappointment because the expectations get set too high. There is no guarantee that sex in marriage will be great right from the start; often, it takes work for sex to be great for both people.
Sex is a dirty subject not fit for godly people Depending on what kinds of church communities or family you grew up in, sex may have been a taboo subject that good Christian folk shouldn’t talk about. Sex becomes an awkward topic that gets divorced from a good Creator, and this can make it a breeding ground for trauma, unhealthy practices, and ideas about sex.
On the other hand, the messaging that comes from our surrounding culture also has its say. That voice is often quite loud as it filters through social and other media, and is normalized in conversations and various interactions. Some of the messaging says:
Have sex now because it’ll be terrible in marriage The idea is that sex in marriage will not be exciting because it is with one person for the rest of your life. The myth is that once you get married, your sex life withers and virtually dies. As a result, the call is to experiment now and have as many partners as possible because once you cross that threshold, it’s game over.
Sex is a need just like any other – satisfy it however you can The other message that often gets a lot of airplay is that sex is like the other appetites. If you feel hungry, you eat, and if you’re sleepy, you can take a nap.
Sex is treated like any other appetite – there’s no reason to curb it; satisfy it however you can and desire to. This introduces an element of instant gratification into how one conceives of sex, as well as a deeply self-centered idea about what sex is and how it works best.
These messages, among the many others that get spun out into the world, shape a man’s expectations of sex and how it works in marriage. These expectations are often frustrated because they don’t stem from a healthy understanding of sex and marriage.
Being Wise About Sex in Marriage
One of the things that becomes apparent when you get married and start to live with this other person, if it wasn’t obvious already, is that they are a separate individual with their own likes, dislikes, temperament, interests, weaknesses, strengths, goals, and hopes.
The reality of who they are resists your ideas about them, and that’s a good thing if you want to appreciate the complexity and beauty of other people. It can be frustrating if you have set ideas about how things should be and struggle to compromise.
When it comes to sex in marriage, there are a few notions to keep in mind if you want to be godly and wise about how you go about things. Some things to consider, or practices that might help you, include the following:
Talk openly about your sex life Just like you talk about your work, finances, hobbies, schedules, and interests, you should talk about your sex life. This is an incredibly vulnerable conversation, due to past hurt, trauma, and ego, which can get in the way of speaking honestly. Kindly, lovingly, but truthfully engage about what you like or don’t like, what turns you on or otherwise.
Great sex takes time This piggybacks on the idea of talking about your sex life. Just like it takes time for you to understand how your wife likes her coffee, what kinds of dates she enjoys, and how to show her love in the way she appreciates it, it takes time to figure out what the other person likes, what turns them on, as well as understanding your differences.
Your prior sexual experiences (if you had them) won’t necessarily prepare you for your sex life with your wife because she’s a unique individual. Those experiences can actually get in the way. Give yourself time to learn about each other, to experiment, and have fun as you figure out what works best for you both – you have the rest of your lives together to figure it out.
Create room for “no” Every relationship looks different, but men often seem to carry the burden of initiating sexual advances. Taking that step to initiate sex is risky because when you ask for something, you could be turned down.
In that moment of taking the leap, as well as before it, remember that this is a fellow human being and not an object. One reason why pornography is so attractive is that it offers instant gratification, and it is also risk-free, in the sense that there’s no possibility of rejection.
In marriage, you’re dealing with a flesh-and-blood woman who has her own views, who may have experienced trauma, who loves you but is tired after a long day, and for whom sex may not be an easy thing to just jump into. Respecting her human dignity and loving her means creating room for her to say “no”. Your wife needs to know that she truly has the freedom to say “No” to you and that she won’t suffer negative consequences for it.
Being able to accept “no” can be a huge hurdle for a man to overcome. It can bruise one’s ego; it can make one feel rejected or unloved. These feelings are real, and they need to be addressed in a healthy way; otherwise, they can result in resentment or in seeking comfort elsewhere. Talk with your wife about these things and find a way to walk with each other.
Finding Support Through Christian Marriage Counseling
Sometimes, conversations about sex in marriage can be difficult, for any number of reasons. A lack of connection or resentment that’s built up over time can stand in the way of having an honest and vulnerable conversation.
Seeking the help of a Christian marriage and family therapist may be what you need to have a safe but guided space in which to have those difficult conversations. With help, your sex life can improve, and you can have a deeper connection and a more fulfilled marriage.
Photos:
“Wedding Bands”, Courtesy of Sandy Millar, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Dream Come True”, Courtesy of Oziel Gomez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Coffee and Conversation”, Courtesy of Priscilla Du Preez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License
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Kristina Banaitis: Author
I am humbled and honored to be a vessel of God to serve others as a therapist. As a licensed counselor, my passion is to provide Christian counseling to individuals, families, and groups struggling with a wide variety of concerns, including anxiety,...
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Kate Motaung: Curator
Kate Motaung is the Senior Writer, Editor, and Content Manager for a multi-state company. She is the author of several books including Letters to Grief, 101 Prayers for Comfort in Difficult Times, and A Place to Land: A Story of Longing and Belonging...
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