How to Help Your Children through Separation or Divorce

When couples go for counseling, the outcome most are looking for is to resolve their differences, heal whatever breach had developed in their relationship, and give their marriage a new lease on life. However, it sometimes emerges through the counseling process that a couple has differences they cannot resolve, and it may be best for all involved to agree on a separation for a season or perhaps permanently.

If the couple has children, this raises the question of how to tell them what their parents have decided, and it requires the adults to guide the kids through anxiety and other adjustments that now need to be made to family life.

There is at least one major reason for continuing with couples’ counseling even after it becomes clear the relationship must go toward separation or divorce. It may seem counter intuitive at first, but one aspect of couples’ counseling is that it can provide tools for the individuals in the relationship to separate or divorce in a healthy way.

This is especially important where there are children involved – when couples have an acrimonious separation or divorce, the children are affected by the instability of the new situation, and in some cases, they are leveraged to get back at the other spouse.

This makes an already difficult situation worse, bringing confusion and hurt into a situation that requires comfort and empathy, thereby negatively affecting the emotional and mental well-being of those children.

6 Ways to Help Your Child Cope with Separation or Divorce

What are some of the key things to do and communicate to your children if you are going through a separation or divorce? Here are at least six things you might learn through ongoing couples’ counseling to help your children with the process of separating from one another or ending your marriage relationship.

1. Offer them support

Parents in situations of divorce or separation should continue to show the love and support that they have always shown to their children. They need to know and understand that they are loved by their parents, that their questions and concerns matter. Children can feel like the divorce or separation is their fault, so it is important for that misconception to be dispelled and for them to feel reassured.

One key aspect of offering support is to remain consistent, as far as possible. If dad used to go to baseball games and dance recitals, he should continue to do so. If mom was always there for soccer matches and band practice, then by all means she should try to continue doing so.

Spending time together, whether for game night or a holiday is an important way to continue showing the children that they are loved and that their support structures have not crumbled.

2. Encourage and provide space for honesty.

Witnessing one’s parents going through a divorce or separation is a stressful experience. It’s important to create an environment where your kids can express themselves honestly without being criticized for it.

They may have feelings of anger, disappointment, or hurt. These are natural feelings to have, and they should not be minimized or dismissed. Your child should feel that they can be honest with their mom or dad about how they feel without being met with anger or resentment.

Part of creating an environment of honesty is being honest with them, yourself, about what is going on. This begins with an age-appropriate conversation with the kids about the decision to separate or divorce that both parents have arrived at. Where possible, both parents should be present so that there is no mixed or confused messaging about what is happening and why.

The process of separating or divorcing is a messy one – you won’t get everything right. However, the goal is not to get everything right, but to continue providing a nurturing environment where your children have the room to express themselves and have their emotional needs met.

3. Help them to articulate their thoughts and feelings.

When children articulate themselves, it can be empowering for them to do so. Finding the words with which to make sense of their new normal helps restore their sense of equilibrium. You can provide the space to do so in person, or if they’re uncomfortable, they can write a letter or an email.

Sometimes, especially with older kids, they may choose to internalize their feelings – it may also be helpful for you to arrange for professional counseling for your children. What they may not be able to articulate with their parents, they may be willing to address with an unrelated adult with whom they feel comfortable.

This can further expand their support structures and give them the tools they need to work through the changes and the emotional roller coaster that is witnessing their parents go through divorce or separation.

4. Legitimize their feelings.

In line with encouraging your children to be honest and helping them articulate their feelings when they do express themselves, they should know and be allowed to feel that those feelings are valid.

If they feel disappointed, angry, anxious, or sad, it is wrong to tell them that they should not feel that way. Those feelings are healthy and normal reactions to life circumstances, and your children should never feel that such feelings are somehow out of bounds or do not matter to their parents.

5. Give them time to process and grieve.

Parents and their children are not necessarily working on a similar timetable when it comes to dealing with separation or divorce. Due to their maturity and awareness of the status of the relationship, most adults will likely have more emotional resources and time to deal with the changes.

The children usually come into this process and conversation at the tail end of it, after decisions have already been made. What this means is that they will need time to work through emotions that their parents have already had time to work through.

They need to be given time to make sense of what has happened and to come to terms with it. Some children will regress and begin bed wetting, or they may act up. Be patient with them and understand that your children will react to the new situation in their own way.

6. Do not fight in front of them.

Managing a separation or divorce well means working with your ex to prioritize the children. This may mean setting aside your differences to work together for the good of your children. One of the challenges that parents face when they are separated is when one parent doesn’t fulfill a promise made.

If Dad was supposed to pick Susie up to hang out for the afternoon, and then Dad forgets or gets busy and can’t do it, it would be unreasonable for Dad to then expect Mom to cover for him to avoid disappointing little Susie. Being accountable without weaponizing any parental failings against one another is a delicate balance the adults will have to manage.

Talking negatively about your ex in front of your children, being competitive with your ex for the children’s affections, making inappropriate disclosures about your ex or fighting with your ex in front of them can end up undermining their sense of security and potentially affect their relationship with both parents.

When parents fight in front of their children, it can cause a child to feel torn between them. They may feel they have to choose or align with one parent over the other, and with that may come feelings of guilt and a poorer relationship with the parent they choose against.

Especially in situations of separation or divorce where there is already a measure of insecurity felt by the children, witnessing parental fighting can be an added stressor. Those kinds of conversations should rather be had in private and away from the children.

Conclusion

Going through divorce or separation is not an easy thing. Many emotions swirl around and the process of transitioning out of a marriage relationship and finding healing is not quick and painless. In the ups and downs of life, it is important to remember that God works ‘all things together for our good’ (Romans 8:28).

God, who is the “God of all comfort,” is with us on this journey. With the help of a supportive community and resources such as counseling, you and your family can weather this storm and emerge on the other side of it.