Five Steps to Fix an Unhappy Marriage

Ngina Otiende said, “Marriage is meant to keep people together, not just when things are good, but particularly when they are not. That is why we take marriage vows, not wishes.”

Our first reaction when we face a crisis is to turn and run from it. We often disagree with our spouse on simple things like where to go for date night, what brand of bread we should buy, if we can afford a gym membership, or if cereal really counts as a meal.

Petty arguments can range from which way the toilet paper should go on to how many times a week one should vacuum or clean the bathroom counters. Petty arguments that escalate and are left unchecked, can lead to an unhealthy, unhappy marriage.

It is perfectly normal to face obstacles in your relationship – whether it is disagreeing on little things or having conversations about tougher things like money, faith, careers, and the number of children you would like to have. Dave Willis said, “In marriage, disagreements are inevitable, but disrespect is optional.”

Consider this:

Jenny and Steve have been married for six months. They are quickly realizing that the other person has flaws and can be downright infuriating and thick-headed. They thought the honeymoon phase was supposed to last longer. Aren’t they supposed to still have goo-goo eyes and fluttering hearts when the other person enters the room?

They are arguing over every little thing – what kind of budget to follow, where to plan their first vacation, which side of the family to visit over the holidays, which brand of brownies is more acceptable for ice cream sundae night. They feel like they are disagreeing over every little thing and are starting to wonder if they jumped into marriage too quickly?

Pause and take a deep breath. It is important to realize in these situations that every couple goes through learning curves in their relationship. It is a constant process of getting to know the other person, communicating healthily, and working through roadblocks in your relationship.

While petty things can be frustrating at times, marriage is also about compromise and effective communication. These situations can be used to strengthen relationships rather than tear them down if the couple embraces the opportunities to strengthen their communication skills.

5 Steps to Fix an Unhappy Marriage

Here are a few things to consider as you work through obstacles and learning curves in your relationship:

1. Remove the blinders and realize that no marriage is perfect.

Romantic novels and chick-flicks often paint this unrealistic picture of how relationships should go, but we are all human and often fall short in the way we respond and communicate. Romans 3:23 reminds us, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”

It is important to realize that just because you face an obstacle in your relationship (or numerous ones a day), it does not mean that the relationship is a mistake. Sometimes the greatest relationships are the ones that have endured hardship after hardship because they embraced the opportunity to work through it.

2. Learn the beauty of compromise and picking your battles.

One of the quickest lessons that you must learn in marriage is the beauty of compromising and learning to pick your battles. At the end of the day, it does not matter if the other person wears their jeans twice before they wash them or if they put the toilet lid down after each use.

These little things can quickly become things you adore about your spouse because it is their unique personality. The same personality that makes you giggle and likes to hold your hand, or to slow dance in the kitchen. Different is not bad, differences can offer a fresh perspective on life. Differences can help you grow together and blossom in ways that you never thought possible.

Picking your battles is something every couple must continually choose to do. Ask yourself whether this issue is important, or if this a petty argument that does not matter in the long run. Will we care about this tomorrow?

3. Have a plan for the conversations that begin to escalate.

It is important to know your partner and have a plan for handling conversations that are veering into the unhealthy or destructive communication lane. Pause, take a deep breath, and pray. If you feel that a conversation is becoming destructive (anger, saying things you will regret), it may be helpful to pause the conversation and ensure that you are both in the proper headspace.

When the conversation is producing only degrading, harmful words to yourself, your spouse, and your relationship, it is a good indication that you may need to hit the pause/reset/refresh button.

It is vital to realize that there may be other deep-rooted issues that are causing communication issues. Is there unresolved conflict from your childhood? Are you or your spouse facing major stress at work? Are you facing a period of medical uncertainty? Are you facing a spiritual battle? Are you facing a financial crisis? Are you dealing with other lingering feelings? It is important to do a self-check if you find that every petty thing turns into an argument.

4. Learn the importance of tone and effective listening.

Couples need to learn the importance of tone in their disagreements. Degrading comments or yelling can immediately cause issues in your conversations. These are unhealthy communication patterns, which if left unchecked, can cause severe rifts in your relationship. Emotional walls are put up when someone is yelling. Sometimes you need to choose the right time to converse.

Sometimes you will agree to disagree and move forward. Press pause if you begin disagreeing in front of someone else – that is not the right time to have a heavy emotional conversation. If you have children, ensure that they are not involved in or listening to your disagreements. Listen to how you sound and be aware of your body language. Listen to what the other person has to say before you plan your response.

5. Realize that you are constantly growing and bettering one another.

Learn to weather the storms together. It was once said that “No relationship is all sunshine but two can share one umbrella and weather the storm together.”

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 is a passage that is often read at wedding ceremonies, but it is also one that couples should post all over their home. It is a beautiful reminder that marriage is a choice. It is choosing to love one another on the good and bad days. It is choosing to put God and your spouse first. It is choosing not to give up when your conversations are not clicking. It is choosing not to give up when your spouse is infuriating you.

What is love? It is not built on romance novels, chick-flicks, or how other couples appear on social media.

• Love chooses not to hold on to a grudge.
• Love chooses the other person – even when they want to cut ice cream out of their diet or never sort the laundry before they throw it into the washing machine.
• Love is embracing one another’s weird quirks.
• Love is choosing to pause, if needed, to work through an argument.
• Love is praying for the other person all the time. Love is also praying WITH that person.
• Love is making your relationship a priority, even when your schedules are crazy.
• Love is not talking badly about your spouse to other people.
• Love is compromising.
• Love is choosing not to let petty things become a stronghold in your relationship.
• Love is realizing that your relationship with weather many, many storms. It is important that you do not both dart in opposite directions once the storm begins – you must choose to share an umbrella and take cover together.

If your relationship is facing a series of petty arguments that escalate or if you find that you need to work on your communication skills as a couple, then marriage counseling may be the perfect option for you. Your relationship is worth putting the time and energy into now so you can continue to grow, thrive, and weather the storms together for many, many years to come.

If one or both of you have unresolved childhood trauma or if your families are a source of negativity in your relationship, today is the day to begin weathering those storms. When you are at your healthiest, your marriage will also be at its healthiest.

“Feelings are indicators, not dictators. They can indicate where your heart is in the moment, but that doesn’t mean they have the right to dictate your behavior and boss you around. You are more than the sum total of your feelings and perfectly capable of that little gift . . . called self-control.” ― Lysa TerKeurst