Family Dysfunction During the Holidays

The holidays can bring out the best in families, and they can also bring out the worst in families. Holiday gatherings tend to bring family dysfunction to the surface. But you don’t have to face your family dysfunction alone. When you have a plan for handling it, you can have greater peace throughout the holiday season.

6 Steps to Reduce Family Dysfunction Stress During the Holidays

Family dysfunction is often complex, related to many factors that have affected multiple generations. It is often handled best with the help of a Christian counselor. You can also take steps like these to reduce your stress and prepare yourself for family meetings from a healthy standpoint.

1. Perform a Self-Check

Since family dysfunction involves more than one person, normally everyone has a role in the level of dysfunction. Rarely is one person 100 percent at fault while the others have zero responsibility. If you carry even one percent of the fault, you can make changes to that one percent to bring health into the situation.

onsider this example. Your father drinks during the holidays, and eventually becomes agitated and makes critical statements about you. Though you don’t invite this behavior, you have quietly tolerated it in the past. This year, you could excuse yourself after dinner, so you aren’t exposed to the dysfunction. That’s the one percent you can control.

Another example to consider. Perhaps you go to a family function and do not voice your opinions to keep the peace. But then you go home and mull over what you wish you would have said. Maybe your passivity is not keeping the peace but creating greater problems in the long run. Your responsibility may be to speak up in certain situations to promote health and peace.

Ask God to show you where you are contributing to the family dysfunction, either actively or passively. Pray that he will help you know how to handle the situation differently this year. Don’t hesitate to call a counselor for help if you get stuck.

2. Respond, Don’t React

Many of us don’t realize that our gut-level reactions stir up greater dysfunction. We react without thinking, and this creates toxic cycles in families. Let’s look at an example to see this in action.

Your mother criticizes your parenting style in front of your children. You have a pattern of reacting with angry words, which only creates more havoc. It strains your relationship with your mother and presents a bad example for your children.

Instead of reacting in anger, you can learn to pray for self-control in those moments. By practicing self-control in those challenging moments, responding with kindness as well as with healthy detachment, you can reduce your holiday stress.

Think back through patterns of problems with your family. How did you react in anger or defensiveness rather than responding with self-control? How could you practice calm, controlled responses now to be prepared when the holidays arrive? Learning to respond rather than react requires awareness and practice. A counselor can help you choose wise responses to family dysfunction.

3. Set Boundaries

You may not have considered setting boundaries against family dysfunction before. Wise boundaries can help you choose a healthy space even within your dysfunctional family. They protect you from further harm and define what you will and will not tolerate.

For example, perhaps your brother has asked you to loan him money during holiday gatherings. You have done this reluctantly in the past because he is slow to repay you. By preparing a boundary before the holidays, you can enact healthy changes in your relationship.

This year, you could say to your brother, “I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to loan you money anymore. But I’m willing to help you brainstorm ideas for other options. Do you want to talk about that instead?” This is a boundary you’ll need to stick by because he will probably resist it. But it protects you from being used and invites him into a healthier relationship dynamic.

Boundary setting isn’t easy for many of us. It can be complex and challenging to manage the responses of your dysfunctional family to new boundaries. A caring Christian counselor can help you decide which boundaries are worth setting.

4. Get Your Needs Met Elsewhere

The fact is that your dysfunctional family may not be able to meet your valid needs for love and support. A mentally ill mother most likely can’t be present for her children. An alcoholic father is not trustworthy and unable to provide emotional support. You can’t count on a gossiping sibling not to talk about you behind your back. There are many other examples of dysfunctional family members who can’t or won’t meet your needs.

But the good news is, you can get your needs met elsewhere. You must get your needs met elsewhere to live the abundant life God has promised for you. He set up his church – the body of believers – to serve this function for us. You can find a healthy father, mother, or sibling figure within another believer.

In this holiday season, it’s important to cultivate relationships that give back to you rather than always taking from you. Meet with godly friends in-person, via Zoom or Facetime, or on the phone to get your needs met. Your needs matter, and you won’t be happy unless they are met. But it may be healthier for you to get your needs met outside of your dysfunctional family.

5. Choose Activities That Bring You Joy

Since family dysfunction is draining, it’s important to choose holiday activities that bring you joy. Maybe an afternoon of window shopping by yourself would recharge you, especially if you are an introvert. Perhaps spending more time with your own family or friends would fill you up, and there’s no reason to feel guilty about that. There are plenty of other holiday options to bring you joy rather than getting dragged down by family dysfunction.

Some of us are in family situations that are so toxic, they simply need to be cut out. But most of us will be able to handle a low level of family dysfunction as long as it’s balanced out with other joyful activities.

You can manage your stress better when you block out time for joyful activities in your schedule. These activities will give you something good to anticipate and help you counterbalance the stress produced by dysfunctional family meetings.

6. Draw Near to God

This is the most important point, which we’ve saved for the last. God sees and understands your family dysfunction even better than you do. He knows all the angles, viewpoints, and reasons for the dysfunction. He sees all the hurt and suffering, and He is the only one who can justly decide who is at fault. God sees the dysfunctional generational patterns, and he wants to break them with your help.

Ask God to provide you insight into your family’s problems. Humble yourself and ask him to help you make necessary corrections. Pray that he will give you wisdom and guidance to know what to do next. By going to God in prayer, you may receive answers you’ve never expected. You may learn things you’ve never known before. And you are certain to receive his perfect peace to power you through the family meetings to come.

Christian Counseling for Family Dysfunction

We’ve only scratched the surface of what you can do to handle family dysfunction during the holidays. Your situation is unique and may benefit from additional insight from a family counselor.

At Thousand Oaks Christian Counseling, we offer counseling for individuals, couples, and families to dig up the roots of dysfunction, invite healing, and form healthier paths forward. We can help you form a plan for how to handle the dysfunctional patterns in your family this holiday season. Give us a call today to set up an appointment.