Examples of Emotional Abuse: How to Recognize the Red Flags

Have you ever wondered if you were in an emotionally abusive relationship? If so, this article containing examples of emotional abuse may be for you.

Emotional abuse can be so subtle and insidious that it is difficult to recognize. Often, a person in an emotionally abusive relationship won’t recognize he or she is being abused because there is no violence involved and because some of the behaviors exhibited could occur in a healthy context as well. What makes them abusive is the malicious intent behind them.

Emotional abuse is always intentional. It aims to diminish your sense of identity, dignity, self-esteem, and self-worth to bring you under the control of the perpetrator. Most commonly he or she is a romantic partner but can be a family member, friend, employer, or anyone else you have a relationship with as well.

One way of discerning whether your relationship is abusive or not is by thinking of how your interactions with the other person make you feel. Do you consistently feel drained, frustrated, confused, wounded, misunderstood, fearful, or worthless after spending time with him or her?

Do most of your conversations end up leading you to question yourself and your perception of reality? When you are together, do you feel as though you are walking on eggshells and keep second-guessing yourself to avoid upsetting him or her?

Here are some red flags to help you know what signs to be on the lookout for.

Examples of emotional abuse

Intrusiveness. They ignore your boundaries and violate your privacy by looking through your things, or checking your e-mails and text messages without your permission. If you challenge them about it, they justify their behavior as necessary for your good, make comments such as “I was just concerned about you,” and deny that it was intrusive at all.

Gaslighting. They lie, make contradictory statements, and deny or distort the truth to confuse you; get you to question your memory, senses, and perception of reality; and make you feel as though you are going crazy.

If you challenge them about something you know to be true, they tell you that you are not remembering it correctly even if you are, pretend they don’t understand what you are saying, or deny that it happened the way you claim it did.

If you try to bring up something they said or did that hurt you, they deny ever saying or doing it. They aim to get you to believe your mind is playing tricks on you and that you can’t trust yourself so that you feel dependent on them to define reality for you.

Verbal assault. They call you names, hurl insults at you, scream, or curse.

Put-downs. They undermine your confidence and make you feel insufficient by constantly criticizing you, putting you down, and looking for things to belittle you about, in an attempt to get you to believe that you are unworthy of their love, kindness, or respect. Often they use body shaming to make you feel down because of your appearance, size, color, or shape.

Slander. They try to turn others against you by talking to them about your shortcomings, and by using derogatory or slanderous statements to describe your behavior to them.

Embarrassment and humiliation. They humiliate you in public by sharing your secrets, making fun of your shortcomings, and/or cracking jokes at your expense. If you get upset, they laugh it off and say you are being too sensitive, or that it was only said in jest.

They also embarrass you by using degrading nicknames they claim are terms of endearment, but that are demeaning, and highlight things you are sensitive about. If you ask them to stop, they ignore your requests.

Dismissiveness. They trivialize your feelings and concerns, belittle your accomplishments, tell you your interests and hobbies are a waste of time and make fun of your hopes and dreams. When you try to share something important to you, they change the subject or respond with unenthusiastic comments such as “who cares?” and/or use dismissive body language such as rolling their eyes, smirking, or shaking their head.

They invalidate your feelings by telling you you’re blowing things out of proportion, you’re too sensitive, or you’re crazy, and if you express your wants or needs, they accuse you of being selfish or needy.

Control and manipulation. They try to restrict your movements by constantly monitoring your whereabouts, calling or texting you when you are not around, and demanding to know where you are, what you are doing, and who you are with at all times. They will even stalk you and/or violate your privacy to keep tabs on you.

They make decisions and plans without consulting you, cancel your appointments without asking permission, and change plans that have already been made without telling you, under the guise of surprising you with something better. They control access to all finances, including your own, keeping the accounts in their name, preventing you from working or spending money without their permission, and requiring you to account for every penny spent.

Cold-shouldering. When you don’t go along with their plans, they punish you by cold-shouldering you or giving you the silent treatment for hours or even days at a time. They will ignore or exclude you, refuse to make eye contact or speak to you, pretend they can’t see or hear you and act as though you are invisible or don’t exist.

Guilt-tripping. When you confront them about something they say or do, they shift the blame to you, making you feel as though their misbehavior is your fault. You find yourself apologizing even when you know you haven’t done anything wrong, and eventually may even start believing you are stupid, selfish, or inconsiderate. Other times they will say they couldn’t help themselves, and get you to feel sorry for them even though they are the one who hurt you.

Threats and intimidation. If you try to stand up for your rights, they try to frighten you back into submission to their control by threatening to abandon you or to withhold things you need such as finances or your car key. If they sense you are pulling away or trying to exit the relationship, they threaten to harm you, your pet, a loved one, or even themselves, if you leave.

Infantilizing you. They treat you like a child, talking down to you, making patronizing statements, being condescending, and telling you what to do or wear or eat.

Isolating. They try to keep you socially isolated from the people who love and support you and prevent you from having visitors. They restrict your ability to go out and/or participate in activities you enjoy by withholding money or a vehicle, and when they do let you go out, they insist on going everywhere with you

Pushing your buttons. They know how to push your buttons and use your fears to wield control over you. Once they find something that upsets or annoys you they ignore your requests to stop doing it and keep repeating it every time they get a chance.

Unpredictability. They nitpick, start arguments for the sake of arguing, have drastic mood changes, behave erratically and unpredictably, and can be loving one moment and distant the next, so you are never sure what to expect. When they withdraw from you, you can’t figure out why, and start blaming yourself and trying to do whatever it takes to get back into their good graces.

If you have questions about any of the examples of emotional abuse in this article, or would like to set up an appointment to meet with a Christian counselor to discuss how he or she can help you break free from an emotionally abusive relationship and live the full life God intended for you to live, please give us a call today.