Codependency: Breaking Free as Christian

Codependency is when two people become inappropriately dependent on one another. It can exist in family relationships, friendships, and even romantic unions. According to Mental Health America, it is “an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive, and/or abusive.”

While this disorder may sound relatively harmless and beg the question, “how dangerous can it be to be overly connected to people you love?” It cannot be underestimated. Part of the power of codependency is its seemingly benign nature because something that appears harmless is difficult to address and may even be foolishly encouraged.

For example, in our culture, there is the stereotype of a “momma’s boy.” This is the idea of a boy or young man who closely identifies with his mother. At a young age, it is natural for little boys to be dependent on and connected to their mother.

As they grow up, however, they need to develop relationships with other male role models in their life. Being a “momma’s boy” usually consists of sacrificing these male role models to remain connected to their mother. The idea of caring for your mother is admirable but failing to move forward in your emotional and relational development is not.

Unfortunately, many young men are praised for remaining closely connected to their mothers when this is actually a very common form of codependency known as maternal enmeshment, which ultimately leads to the “a loss of autonomy by the child.”

Therefore, it is important to learn what it means to love without sacrificing yourself in the process. Loving others well is beautiful and powerful. Sacrificing yourself for other people is unfair and unhealthy. Learn to meaningfully love others while taking care of yourself is maturity. Loving others to the point of losing yourself is codependency.

Breaking Free from Codependency as a Christian

Finding freedom from codependency is particularly difficult as a Christian. For years, churches have taught the idea of sacrificial love. The idea of giving yourself for the good of others. And no doubt, this is a significant theme throughout the Scriptures. Jesus came to seek and save the lost, giving up his life as a ransom for many.

The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. – Matthew 20:28

However, it’s important to note that Jesus also operated with firm boundaries. These are usually skipped over and ignored for the more “powerful” platitudes of the faith. But, if you carefully observe the life and ministry of Jesus, you will find a man who knew his limits and was ever conscious of his role in the story

Pulling Away

The first and most well-known of Jesus’ boundaries was his practice of pulling away from the crowd. Throughout the gospels, you will find Jesus alone in the desert or on a mountain, usually with crowds who are desperately seeking Him.

Even with the ever-present crowd begging for just another miracle, you regularly see Jesus pull away to be alone with the Father. He was not ruled by the crowd or by what people want from Him. To be sure, there are moments where He sacrifices his own plans to minister, but as a rule of life, He made time to be alone in prayer.

What Jesus makes clear is that you can have personal needs as a loving person. Jesus didn’t have to be serving constantly, and He wasn’t obligated to fulfill every desire the crowd had. He made a point to create space for Himself. You can do the same in a relationship. It’s not unloving to set boundaries. Jesus himself did it.

If a spouse, family member, or friend is making demands of your time that hurt you, then you may be in a codependent relationship. If they make you feel guilty for needing space or have your own opinion, you may want to talk about these feelings or begin meeting with a Christian counselor to help you process the experience.

Know Your Role

Jesus was crystal clear on his role. His whole ministry on earth was almost exclusively geared toward the “lost sheep of Israel.” That means there were whole cities, nations, countries, and continents where He didn’t heal, preach, or minister. He was there for the Jewish people, not for everyone who made a demand on his time.

The same is true for you. Who are the people in your life for whom you are responsible? If you are married, then you need to be there for your spouse. If you have kids, then you need to be there for them. Find out where you need to be and what you need to be doing. Just because someone demands that you be present and attentive to their needs, does not make you responsible to oblige.

Trust is Earned

Early in John’s gospel, there is an interesting verse that often gets glanced over. It says, “But Jesus would not entrust himself to them, for He knew all people.” (John 2:24) This is a remarkable verse that doesn’t sound like Jesus at all, but it’s exactly who Jesus was. This verse comes right after Jesus begins performing miracles.

As He performed more signs and wonders, the people became enamored by Him, eventually seeking to make Him king. Jesus discerned the motivations of the crowd who were motivated by power and a desire to retake Israel from Rome. He knew the sinful hearts of men and that their admiration was not for the right reasons. And as a result, He chose to withhold His trust from them.

You too need not entrust yourself to other people, especially if you can sense their ulterior motives and unhealthy agendas. You need to find safe people whom you can trust, people who let you be who you are and express yourself.

Unsafe people want to squash who you are, so you can be who they want you to be. This is true of codependent relationships. It’s okay to withhold parts of yourself from unhealthy people, Jesus himself didn’t completely expose himself to mankind for that very reason.

Real Love, Not Codependency

Real love has boundaries. It recognizes you need to be able to distinguish between yourself and another person. If you don’t have boundaries, then you will begin to lose your sense of self and your ability to fulfill the unique calling Jesus has for your life.

Jesus sacrificed. He served. He let himself be interrupted. But He didn’t lose himself to be what the crowd wanted him to be. He held fast to his calling, His mission, and His identity by living within boundaries.

As a Christian, you are called to do the same. If you love to the point of losing yourself, then you will burn out and self-destruct before you ever get close to fulfilling the calling Jesus has over your life. Instead of giving, giving, and giving more, you need to learn how to steward your time, energy, and identity well, so that you have something of values to give others, yourself.

Codependency seeks to rob you of that very thing. It drains you of any real capacity to love while you are sapped of your energy, time, and emotions through expectation and obligation. If you feel like you are suffering from codependency, then reach out to a Christian counselor today who can help you process the experience and learn how to love others in a healthy way.