What to Do When You Have Narcissistic Marriage Problems

Relationships are hard to navigate and problems are just doubled up when you’ve got narcissistic marriage problems. Probably the hardest part about such problems is that they aren’t exactly easy to make out, as narcissistic disorder can often masquerade as just being selfish or mean.

Yet, the simple fact is there’s a big difference, because narcissism is a serious disorder that’s a real relationship threat no one can put up with without letting themselves down. If you know those differences and how to survive being married to a spouse with this problem, you’ll open the door to a healthy, nontoxic relationship.

A Case in Point

This lesson came a little too late to act on for one young lady, Brooke, who wanted to save her own marriage. You see, she met Simon, a writer, at a signing event, when he was the rising star of the moment, pro­lific and published, while she was an avid reader and a journalist, really thought he was sent from heaven.

Besides, Simon was a pretty charming, attentive guy, making sure she knew just how seriously interested he was in her. From there, their little relationship kicked into overdrive, and she was simply swept off her feet by all of the gift-giving, compliments, and romantic gestures he showered her with.

A few months later, they got hitched, and then things just changed almost overnight.

Suddenly, Simon started belittling Brooke through constant mean remarks and putting her down which tore at Brooke’s self-esteem, making her feel small. He’d fly into rages if Brooke failed to praise him enough or got/gave any attention from/to another person. His most conversations were always about him and his achievements; otherwise, he would always get mad easily and fly off the handle, which left Brooke constantly trying to avoid his anger.

As that first year together wore on, he just intensified his emotional blackmail, and gaslighting, trying to Brooke to doubt her senses and her memory, denying he said things that hurt her and distorting anything she said to guilt trip her.

Slowly, He was alienating her until she found herself cut off from friends and family, and increasingly dependent on him. What Brooke was least able to handle was an understanding of reality, and whether she was just being oversensitive and imagining that he was hurting her.

Understanding What Narcissism Means

NPD is an extreme form of narcissism in which those features markedly interfere with the person’s ability to function well in daily life and to have ongoing healthy relationships.

It’s also described as an excessive interest in and preoccupation with oneself and one’s needs, often without regard to the well-being and feelings of others. The narcissist may show his true self by dominating conversations, putting others down, and generalizing all perceptions with an exaggerated view of importance.

Here are some things that can show you that you’re knee-deep into a narcissistic marriage:

• Your partner is never sorry about anything.
• Your partner wants to always be admired excessively.
• Your partner always has to control everything you say, do or wear.
• Your partner enjoys making you feel worthless.
• Your partner has mood swings and sudden emotional outbursts.
• Your partner doesn’t like you being around anyone else.

Brooke’s eyes were opening up as she realized how many narcissistic marriage problems she actually had, of which she had not even been aware. She started keeping a list of mean remarks Simon liked making that were sure signs of his narcissistic personality.

• Gaslighting statements like “You’re imagining things because that never happened.”
• Shifting blame with statements like “I wouldn’t have reacted that way, if you hadn’t done this.”
• Devaluating statements like “Who else would put up with you, so you’re really lucky to have me.”
• Grandiose statements like “I’m simply the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”
• Triangulating statements like “You know my ex was crazy just like you.”
• Manipulative statements like “If you really love me, you wouldn’t refuse to do this for me.”

The more Brooke learned about NPD, the more she understood that Simon actually had a problem which probably had less to do with her and more to do with some sort of mental health issue. She began to see now that the ways in which he had treated her far exceeded what might have been passing selfishness or meanness; his behavior was unrelenting and extreme, worsening with time – an absolute indicator of NPD.

But all that notwithstanding, Brooke knew she wanted to try to find a way to still help him through this. She remembered that loving, attentive man at the start of their relationship and she could get him back.

His behaviors had created a toxic, emotionally exhausting environment; she knew she needed some sort of game plan that would not only help her cope but make a decision in the best interest of her well-being. Brooke sought a therapist who specialized in NPD patients and their families, and together, they came up with a game plan to know just where to draw the line.

Setting Your Boundaries Amid Narcissistic Marriage Problems

The therapist made Brooke understand that her priority needed to be her own well-being and gave her some strategies to help her learn how to set and maintain boundaries, including:

• When you speak to your partner, learn to be clear and assertive without being aggressive, saying for example, “I feel disrespected when you interrupt me.”
• Don’t get defensive or justify yourself because narcissists thrive on second-guessing your boundaries.
• Clearly explain what words and behaviors precisely are not acceptable to you, and clearly state where your boundaries are. For example, “I am not going to listen to anything negative said about my weight or dressing.”
• Once you’ve set a boundary, see it through – continue with whatever consequences that may have presented.
• Carve out time for activities that bring you joy and feed your energy. Let him know you are tending to your own needs and that you won’t be sorry about it.
• Challenge and reframe any negative thoughts you may have about yourself, perhaps evoked through your partner’s behavior, reminding yourself of strengths and worth.
• Focus on finding practical solutions should your partner accept help, and for yourself, rather than dwelling on problems. This proactive focus has the potential to make you feel more powerful.

If it continues or worsens, arm yourself with a support system. It is critical to speak with close friends and family or a therapist who can offer good advice and encouragement.

If the narcissistic behavior escalates to dangerous levels or involves physical abuse, then it may be time to limit or cut off contact for the sake of your well-being. Sometimes, despite all the best efforts one makes to keep a relationship, not everything works in favor of betterment. Know when it is time to go for the health and safety of one’s self.

It wasn’t until Brooke saw a therapist and learned about narcissistic abuse that she could understand what she felt. With the therapist’s help, Brooke started to heal her self-esteem and found old friends and family members who gave her all the support she needed. Most recently, Simon sought out individual therapy and works on his own journey of managing his condition.

Brooke’s journey was not easy, but she learned to recognize the signs, and through that, it came out stronger; her self-awareness was assured, knowing that whatever the results of Simon’s own journey, she now knows how to protect herself first.

Setting boundaries is never easy, but that is an important first step in maintaining one’s mental and emotional well-being. Both individual and couples therapy will be helpful in addressing narcissistic marriage issues: the establishment and maintenance of healthy boundaries in the relationship. In this respect, therapy can enhance communication between you and your partner and set you both free to express your needs and concerns more constructively.

Next Steps

Remember that success with therapy is largely dependent on whether the narcissistic partner is willing to admit his or her behavior and desire to change it. If your partner is willing to try professional help, call us to set up an appointment with a professional Christian counselor.