Pros and Cons of Going No-Contact with Toxic Parents

When you become an adult, your relationship with your parents will change. Sometimes, this is an improved and happy relationship after the rocky teen years. However, for some, stark differences arise between parents and their adult children. These differences can hinder a healthy relationship especially when toxic parents are involved.

When you have evaluated your relationship with your parents and realized that they are continuing in behaviors that cause you harm, it may be time to consider going with no contact. Going without contact can be for the short or long term. It may involve a clear statement about why you are going no-contact.

It will not be easy. According to Psychology Today, this phenomenon is described as, “No contact with a family member means cutting off the relationship, neither offering nor allowing any communication or interaction whatsoever. It is a decisive step taken to end physical, psychological, or emotional suffering at the hands of an abusive family member. It is generally the last resort to protect oneself from continual hurt.”

Those who have no contact have usually tried every other means available to maintain a peaceful and amicable relationship with the toxic person.

Reasons for going no contact with toxic parents

There are various good reasons for not having contact with a parent. It may rub against the grain of your upbringing, and other family members may attempt to reinstate the relationship. However, the choice to go with no contact is ultimately one you must make for yourself and not to appease others.

Some of the reasons you might consider going no contact with your parents include:

• History of psychological, emotional, and physical abuse.
• Narcissistic behavior.
• Drug or alcohol abuse.
• Disrespect of spouse, children, and your boundaries.
• Intrusive and overbearing behavior.

If you find yourself dealing with these situations but feel hesitation about what you need to do, it can help to make a pros and cons list regarding the value of going no contact. This list should not be seen as which side has more. It is a reality check for if you choose to go forward without contact.

The pros

• Feelings of freedom, peace, and stability.
• Improved self-esteem and self-confidence.
• Sense of agency and control over your life.
• Opportunity to heal from the past.

The Cons

• Feelings of guilt or remorse.
• Grieving the loss of a relationship (both as it was and as you wish it were).
• Possible retaliation or backlash from other family members.
• Some depression, anxiety, or loneliness.

What would Jesus do?

As a Christian, you may wonder about the duties of children to their parents. This can even become a point of contention between parents and children of similar faith beliefs. However, the commandment to honor your father and mother is not the only passage discussing parent-child relationships. Throughout the Old Testament, we are shown story after story of parents who did things that were not worthy of honor.

Parents are not to be put to death for their children, nor children put to death for their parents; each will die for their own sin. – Deuteronomy 24:16, NIV

You are not required to suffer on the altar of your parents’ poor choices. Everyone will be responsible for their own choices. You do not have to bear the burden of guilt for cutting off contact with toxic parents who are cruel and harmful to you.

Our parents were unfaithful; they did evil in the eyes of the Lord our God and forsook him. They turned their faces away from the Lord’s dwelling place and turned their backs on him. – 2 Chronicles 29:6, NIV

Not everyone shares faith with their parents, and you are not the only means of sharing the gospel’s good news with your parents. If they resist your faith, values, and lifestyle, it may be better to part ways for a time. The work of the Lord does not hinge on your relationship.

“Truly I tell you,” Jesus said to them, “no one who has left home or wife or brothers or sisters or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God will fail to receive many times as much in this age, and in the age to come eternal life.” – Luke 18:29-30, NIV

Losing a relationship with your family could be hard, but you are never without a family in Christ. Many other people can come alongside you with compassion and love.

Getting help

If you find yourself trying to decide to have no contact with your parents, a counselor in Thousand Oaks, California can provide support and insight. They will help you walk through your experience with your family and discuss the details of your relationship with your parents. Likewise, they will be able to help you process the impact of your relationships in your lives. Call us today at Thousand Oaks Christian Counseling to make an appointment.