Helping a Loved One Overcome Resentment Toward You

If a person takes an honest look at themselves in the mirror, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that they’ll be met with the realization that they aren’t perfect. We all have imperfections and issues we need to address, and we bring those into our relationships. Even the most well-adjusted person will have ways they run up against other people, whether by accident or through hurtful words and actions, or outright resentment.

One unfortunate result of our interactions with other people is that they can develop resentment toward us. Knowing how to do our part to help our loved ones overcome their resentment toward us can help to preserve the relationship.

Resentment in relationships

In any kind of relationship, whether between friends, siblings, a parent and their child, colleagues, or neighbors, resentment is a possibility. Resentment is a complex feeling, one that combines a sense of indignation with bitterness, disappointment, and ill feelings toward someone. That feeling of resentment can take time to build, but it can also develop overnight. Some of the reasons resentment can develop include the following:

Being treated unfairly

When you don’t treat a person fairly, or show them the courtesy you show others, that can cause resentment to bloom.

Being made fun of

If someone humiliates you or makes fun of you at your expense, that can make you resentful toward them. Feeling put down can be a major cause of resentment.

Saying unkind or untrue words

Our words and actions can also cause resentment, particularly if they are unkind and untruthful.

Betrayal

If you betray someone, whether by revealing things told to you in confidence or through infidelity, that can also cause resentment.

Being taken advantage of

Helping someone is one thing, and being taken advantage of is another. The latter can cause resentment.

Being taken for granted

We all want to be appreciated for the contributions we make, and being overlooked or taken for granted can lead to resentment.

Not being heard

We all have a voice, and we have needs, dreams, ideas, and hopes. In relationships, resentment can develop when we don’t have an adequate platform or hearing to be able to express ourselves.

They insist on being right

Being in a relationship with someone who always thinks they are right, and who never backs down until you agree, can cause hard and ill feelings to develop toward them.

Having unrealistic expectations

We come to our relationships with expectations. Some of these are reasonable, while others are not. Having unrealistic expectations that others cannot fulfill will lead to a consistent sense of disappointment, and that can result in resentment.

Boundaries being violated

When other people violate your boundaries repeatedly, that too can also lead to resentment. One boundary that often leads to resentment is when people don’t value your time and are always late for things.

Just because

Resentment can also develop in relationships without an identifiable reason. You may not have done anything wrong, but a person can be resentful of you or your success. In those situations, it may flow from the other person’s experiences and mindset and not so much because of anything specific that you’ve done.

Feelings of resentment develop in an environment where hurt occurs, and there isn’t room given or available to talk about what’s happened. This may be due to cultural or social norms, or because the relationship doesn’t have space for that sort of vulnerable conversation. Whatever the reasons for resentment, it’s possible to help a loved one as they move toward healing.

Christian counseling to overcome resentment

It’s important to mention that you are not responsible for someone else’s actions or feelings. How a person responds to you isn’t ultimately up to you, but to them. Your actions can hurt others, that much is true. The responsibility you do have is to try and avoid that and to apologize and make amends when you do hurt others. Acknowledge the wrong done; this validates the feelings of the person you hurt and helps them to begin healing.

In some cases, a person develops resentment toward you and it’s not because of something you’ve done or not done. You don’t have to change anything or apologize in such instances. What you can do is be there for your loved one, providing them with a safe place to explore why they feel this way toward you. Create space to talk if you see them becoming uneasy around you, drifting away from you, or avoiding you.

It’s up to your loved one to forgive you, and it is also up to them to see someone like a counselor or psychologist to get help to overcome their resentment toward you. You can encourage them to seek help so that they can grow in applying self-compassion and empathy and explore the possibilities of forgiveness while focusing on gratitude.