4 Reasons for Resentment in Marriage and How to Deal with It

What is resentment? Resentment is a form of unresolved anger toward someone else. This type of anger is often cold and hidden rather than heated and obvious. It is a feeling that can build slowly over time and can be expressed as indifference, withdrawal, or other passive-aggressive behaviors. It can escalate into open bitterness and contempt. Resentment in marriage is particularly deadly.

Resentment is a slow poison that can destroy relationships if not properly dealt with. Even if you think you are hiding your resentment, the other person likely knows that something is wrong and the relationship just feels off.

In this article, we will look specifically at resentment in marriage and explore it from a biblical point of view.

Common reasons for resentment in marriage.

While there are a seemingly endless number of possibilities for why there is resentment in marriage, here are four common reasons:

Unmet desires or expectations.

This is probably the most common reason for resentment in marriage. We go into a marriage with desires and expectations of how it will be and how we will be treated by the other person. These desires and expectations are based on our upbringing, the norms of our society and culture, and what we know of our future spouse before we marry. When these desires are not fulfilled or our expectations are disappointed, resentment can set in.

Lack of forgiveness or holding a grudge.

Resentment often builds up because one spouse has not fully forgiven the other after being sinned against. The resentful spouse may believe that he or she has not been given a proper apology, or that insufficient remorse has been shown by the offending spouse.

Perhaps the same sin has been committed over and over, and the resentful spouse feels that more forgiveness is pointless because there has been no real change in behavior. The lack of forgiveness means that the anger does not dissipate, and instead of peace in the marriage, resentment begins to build.

Domination by one spouse or an unequal power dynamic.

The dynamics of power between spouses can be complex in some marriages. In some instances, there is a more dominant spouse who most often gets his or her way and is the one whose moods and desires often seem to dictate the tone and direction of the household.

In other instances, one spouse could dominate in a certain aspect of marriage, such as work, parenting, or finances, while the other spouse dominates in different aspects. In either case, the “weaker” spouse may feel less able to influence a situation or voice disagreement because of the different power dynamics or the potential consequences. This feeling of powerlessness can turn to resentment.

Lack of honesty in communication.

Another common reason for resentment in marriage is a lack of honesty in communication. People-pleasers (or those experiencing a “fear of man”, as the Bible describes it) who prefer to avoid conflict have an especially tough time being honest about what they feel or want to keep the peace and gain approval.

The trouble with this is that your desires and disagreements don’t simply go away if you pretend that everything is fine. Instead, these unvoiced thoughts or unmet desires and expectations lead to underlying resentment. The receiving spouse is then left confused by the change in tone of the relationship and without an idea of how to begin solving the problem.

Do you feel there is resentment in your marriage? What do you think you or your spouse is resentful about?

What does God say about resentment in the Bible?

Resentment (and its close cousin, bitterness) is mentioned several times across the Old and New Testaments and is never viewed positively. Resentment appears early in human history in the account of Cain and his brother Abel. Cain was angry and resentful that God had accepted Abel’s sacrifice but had rejected Cain’s (Genesis 4:1-7).

The resentment grew so intense that Cain murdered Abel. The consequences of not dealing with our resentment can therefore be serious indeed. Instead, God’s Word calls us to forgive others and not harbor resentment or bitterness. Resentment is a clear indicator that you have not forgiven someone who has wronged you. This is dangerous because you are putting your own forgiveness from God in jeopardy. Jesus reminds us:

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. – Mark 11:25, NIV

But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. – Matthew 6:15, NIV

In his letter to the church at Ephesus, the apostle Paul illustrates that we can only dismantle our resentment through forgiveness:

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. – Ephesians 4:31-32, NIV

How do we forgive someone, especially for a grievous sin?

While this is an entire topic of its own, please understand that forgiveness does not mean glossing over sin or saying that it doesn’t matter. Sin does matter. Justice does matter. Justice and forgiveness are not cheap. They cost God the life of his one and only Son, and are thus infinitely valuable.

What forgiveness does mean is that, while acknowledging that the action was a sin, you do not put yourself in God’s place as Judge and seek revenge or justice for the sin on your terms. Rather, forgiveness calls you to entrust the situation and its resolution to God and His justice.

Where the laws of a place have been broken, this will mean handing the case over to the law and following due process. In the case of abuse, this will mean taking steps to protect yourself and your children from an abusive spouse. Forgiveness is not the same as forgetfulness or blindness to a person’s character or behavior patterns. You can forgive a person while removing yourself from a dangerous situation.

As Christians, we can forgive others when they sin against us because God has forgiven all our sins, even though we don’t deserve such mercy. By forgiving others we demonstrate we understand and believe the message of the Gospel and seek to imitate our Father in heaven.

How should we deal with our resentment?

The first step in dealing with resentment is to identify what you are resentful about. Then ask yourself, “Why am I resentful about this? What do I think I should have received that I did not?” It helps to disentangle your thoughts by writing them down or talking through them with a trusted Christian friend or biblical counselor.

Then take your thoughts to God in prayer. Ask Him to help you see the situation clearly and discern whether you have biblical grounds for anger or whether it is being driven by selfish desire. Confess your sin of resentment and ask God to forgive you. Then, if you do have biblical grounds for anger, ask God to help you forgive the person who sinned against you.

Next, identify ways to love your spouse by acting constructively in the situation. Do you need to communicate more honestly than you have been, not dropping hints but being clear and straight-talking? Do you need to put to bed unmet expectations and learn to be content with the life you have? Do you need outside help to resolve the situation?

Seeking professional help.

If you are struggling with resentment in marriage, it would be helpful to have either individual or couples counseling sessions with a trained biblical counselor. Here you will find a safe space to bring hidden anger into the light and obtain help in dealing with it in a God-honoring way.

Please make an appointment with a biblical counselor at our office today and begin to breathe new life into your marriage.