Parental Regret and Reconciliation

Of the many kinds of relationships out there, one of the closest is between a parent and their child. That bond may be biological, but not necessarily so; it can also be forged between an adoptive parent and their child. The parent-child relationship can be a complex one, marked by joy but also by pain in some cases. The relationship may be close, or it can be strained and difficult for a variety of reasons requiring reconciliation.

As a parent, you may have hopes and aspirations for your relationship with your child(ren). Though one or both parties in that relationship may want the relationship to be different, sometimes circumstances overtake you, and you find yourself in a hard relationship that isn’t what you would want it to be.

When you carry certain regrets in your parenting journey, it’s important to be able to face these regrets honestly and to reflect on your parenting path.

Some areas of parental regret.

Being a parent is a challenging vocation. You don’t always know what you’re doing as you set out, and not every person who becomes a parent starts with a toolkit that helps them to know what to do in raising a child.

Sometimes, your own upbringing undermines your parenting because you didn’t have good role models. Additionally, if you had negative childhood experiences such as trauma, or emotional neglect, that could affect your parenting negatively if you haven’t dealt with it appropriately.

There are several areas where a parent might have some regrets in their relationship with their children. Some of these regrets may be rooted in things the parent did or did not do, but others may reside elsewhere. Some areas of parental regret include the following:

• Not spending enough time with your children when they were younger.
• Being a harsh disciplinarian toward your children, or being overly critical of them and their life choices.
• Missing significant moments in your children’s lives.
• Not being present as a parent. This includes abandoning your child or being emotionally absent from their life.
• Causing harm to your child, such as through abuse or neglect.
• Divorcing from your spouse and seeing the kids less as a result.
• Not supporting your child in something significant for them.
• Taking advantage of or manipulating one’s child.
• Being self-centered and not focusing on the child’s needs.

Many parents struggle with the thought that they haven’t been able to prioritize their children, or they regret pouring their energies into other things at the expense of their relationship with their children.

Sometimes, when a parent struggles with substance abuse, for instance, it can compel the child to take on a role they weren’t meant to. The child may be forced to set aside their own needs, and in this way, a codependent dynamic may be introduced to the relationship, which harms everyone in the situation.

Finding help to move toward reconciliation.

When parental regret coincides with causing hardship or pain to their child, one of the potential results is a strain in the relationship or even a complete breakdown of the parent-child relationship. If parental regrets are tied to harm caused to the child, and if the relationship has broken down, there is a need for reconciliation.

Reconciliation is when two people take steps toward each other to restore their relationship. One of the preludes to reconciliation is forgiveness, which can be a difficult, but not impossible, obstacle to overcome. If you’re desirous to mend the relationship with your child, taking accountability and remedial steps where possible to try and rectify what happened may also be an important part of restoring trust and building bridges.

With help from a Christian family counselor, you can begin making those steps toward meaningful reconciliation. There is a need to take accountability for actions taken or not taken that may have contributed to the damaged relationship. Having a neutral third party involved can help ease tensions as well as provide a safe space for you and your child to speak openly about what happened and why.

Your counselor will not only help by providing you with a safe space to unpack your emotions and experiences, and talking through these so that you build mutual understanding, but they can also address any underlying issues that may have contributed to the situation.

The process isn’t only retrospective, as your counselor can also provide you with tools for developing better communication and listening skills, as well as cultivating your coping and conflict resolution skills so that you resolve matters amicably.

Instead of allowing yourself to remain in regret, reach out to a counselor to work on yourself and begin the journey toward healing and deeper insight.