Types of Attachment and How They Affect Your Relationships

Have you ever wondered why you keep ending up in the same types of emotionally challenging relationship situations? You wonder why you seem to attract or be attracted to certain types of people? The types of attachment you establish in childhood may hold some answers for you.

We are wired to connect with others and so, as infants, as we seek safety, security, and connection from our caregivers, we learn how to relate, what we can expect, and we form a concept of self in relation to all of this. – Juliet Lam Kuehnle

Attachment theory.

Attachment theory was formulated in the 1950’s by British psychoanalyst John Bowlby because of his studies on the interactions between infants and the caregiver most responsible for their well-being.

Bowlby explored how children were affected by the way their needs were met or not during infancy and what impact this had on their future relationships. He posited that the type of bond they had with their parents or primary caregivers during childhood created a template for how they went on to perceive, respond to, and interact with others throughout the rest of their lives.

Babies who were able to rely on their caregivers for comfort and care tended to have more stable relationships as adults, whereas those whose caregivers were less attentive had more difficulty doing so.

The four types of attachment.

Secure attachment.

Children who felt valued and secure in childhood and whose physical and emotional needs were consistently cared for in a warm and loving manner tend to have secure types of attachment. They consequently grow up with a positive view of themselves and others. As adults, they are comfortable with intimacy, can balance dependence and independence, establish healthy boundaries, and form long lasting, fulfilling, and reciprocal relationships.

Anxious/preoccupied.

Children whose caregivers were inconsistent, sometimes there when they needed them and sometimes not, have an anxious or preoccupied attachment. They are never sure whether or not they will get the attention they need. It is likely for them to grow up with self-doubts and a fear of being abandoned. As adults, they tend to be overly dependent, demanding, and clingy, and to seek never-ending reassurance that they are loved. Their constant neediness can sometimes backfire, and wind up driving their partner away.

Avoidant/dismissive.

Children whose caregivers were neglectful, unresponsive, or emotionally unavailable, have an avoidant/dismissive attachment and are likely to grow up with a strong sense of self-sufficiency. Often, they feel that they cannot rely on or trust others to provide comfort or care. As adults, they tend to be independent, avoid intimacy or emotional closeness, and may appear detached from others.

Fearful-avoidant/disorganized.

Children who experienced abuse or trauma are likely to have a fearful-avoidant/disorganized attachment. Their parent both comforted and frightened them, which led to confusion. As adults, they tend to have erratic and conflicting feelings, which cause them to be unpredictable in their relationships.

They desire intimacy and closeness but have trouble trusting others. Unfortunately, they may push people away or self-sabotage a relationship out of a fear of getting hurt.

If you are concerned about how your type of attachment is affecting your relationships, the good news is that it is not set in stone. A trained mental health professional can help you recognize, understand, and change your type of attachment.

By identifying unmet needs, working through negative patterns formed by past childhood wounds and traumas, rebuilding trust, learning to recognize and build healthy, and developing new ways of interacting, you can shift how you attach to others.

Please give our office a call at Thousand Oaks Christian Counseling in California to ask your questions, or to set up an appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors in Thousand Oaks, California.