I Caught My Husband Watching Porn. Again. Now What Do I Do?

It happened again. He promised me so many times that he is going to stop. But I caught my husband watching porn again. It was a late night, the kids were already asleep, and I was asleep too.
And then, for some unknown reason, I had the urge to check on my husband who was not in bed. He always says he is a night owl and he needs to wind down before going to bed. Usually, he watches a movie or sports highlights. But then those other nights when he slips into darkness . . .
It could be that you walked in on him for the first time. It could be that it was the thousand and first time. On many occasions, you find the evidence after time already passed by. No matter the count or time, you feel like your marriage is shattering into pieces.
It hurts so deep inside of you that you can’t even describe it. The foundation of the household is rocked, and the peace and trust have been stolen. You feel like falling into the narrow dark hole in between two rocks. Your whole body feels numb. You’ve cried so many tears that there are no more left to shed.
Your value as a wife, and as a person seems to be gone. All the past beautiful memories with your husband lose their worth. It seems at that moment that these memories don’t mean anything anymore. When you take care of your children, you burst into unexplainable anger or you are continuously irritated because your inside self has been injured to the point that it can’t move.
Your self-pity is taking over your daily life. You start asking so many questions:

• “Why did this happen to me?”
• “Why does my husband not have self-control?”
• “Why is our intimacy not enough for him?”
• “Is it that I am not beautiful to him anymore and he needs other images to meet his needs?”
• “I caught my husband watching porn not long after we had sex. Does our intimacy mean nothing to him?”
• “Does he not love me anymore?”

Many more questions are likely running through your mind.
The first reaction you might receive from your husband is denial. He will try to come up with any sort of explanation to cover himself up. Your husband probably feels shame. He understands that what he did is wrong and he will hide it at any price. Most likely he will start blaming you for his choices, feeding you false information and false reasoning.
When a woman is in a vulnerable state of emotional turmoil, she is at risk of questioning what she knows to be true, even about herself. That’s when you might start doubting yourself being attractive or capable of meeting your husband’s needs. You might even ask yourself, “Is it my fault that I caught my husband watching porn because I was not available or passionate enough with him?”
Many of these thoughts are caused by gaslighting. According to Psychology Today, “Gaslighting is an insidious form of manipulation and psychological control. Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed false information that leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves.
“They may end up doubting their memory, their perception, and even their sanity. Over time, a gaslighter’s manipulations can grow more complex and potent, making it increasingly difficult for the victim to see the truth.” So, be aware of this mental manipulation and don’t fall into the trap of blaming yourself or feeling that you have less worth.
One of the most important things to understand is that your husband’s choices don’t define you. You are not to be blamed! The truth is that you are beautiful inside and out. You are attractive, you are loveable, interesting, and passionate.
You are the same bride as on your wedding day, desirable, charming, delightful! You must separate your identity, your self-image, and your self-worth from your husband’s actions and words. You are the way God sees you. God loves you unconditionally. He never leaves you nor forsakes you. He is always with you.
Your responsibility is to work on your own recovery from the betrayal. It is a risk for you to feel isolated and more miserable if you are dealing with your own emotions by yourself. One very important thing you have to always think about is who you decide to share your pain with. Many women who have been in your situation shared about their lost friendships and family connections once they talked about their husbands having sexual addiction issues.
Many people don’t have knowledge or understanding about the many layers of those types of issues. Some people might associate porn addiction with pedophilia or might put a social stigma on your husband as a sex offender. There are many other negative stigmas out there, which are based on social myths.
No matter how much you may hate your husband right now, you still have to be wise. You have to protect your family and your children’s well-being. It hurts so much and naturally, you just want to scream to the whole world how much pain you are going through. This step requires a lot of sacrifices, but try to think of the long-term effects rather than the temporary relief.
Be wise and choose very carefully who you share your pain with. One safe place to talk about this complex problem is in a Christian counseling setting, either in an individual or group setting where confidentiality and professional help are guaranteed.
The past traumas in your life also influence how you react and cope with this betrayal. Remember, you have to find healing in one way or another so you can recover, find the strength to move forward, and live the abundant life that God has intended for you.

Next Steps

What is next? You may be thinking, “I found my husband watching porn and I don’t know if I could continue being married.” Every marriage is different. You will not find a black-and-white answer regarding whether you should stay in the marriage or consider a divorce. Nobody should give you a Yes or No answer. It is a journey between you, your husband, and God to determine your final decision.
Each relationship varies from another and has so many unique aspects and layers of different problems. However, it is very important to state the truth that divorce is not of God’s heart. God created marriage. Marriage is the foundation of the home. As Christians, we are called to value marriage and work on the unity that God created.

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him. – Genesis 2:18, ESV

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. – Ephesians 5:31, ESV

If someone would state that porn could be grounds for divorce, then they have to answer the question of whether any lustful intention would be treated in the same manner? Jesus made a very strong statement:
But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. – Matthew 5:28, ESV

No matter how bad things get, the only hope is in God. Through God everything is possible. We serve a God who loves marriage, and He can help to save your marriage.
To you, it might feel impossible. You might ask how you can rebuild something that has shattered to pieces, burned to ashes, and died completely without anysign of life.

With man, it is impossible, but not with God. For all things are possible with God. – Mark 10:27, ESV

For nothing will be impossible with God. – Luke 1:37-38, ESV

The best-case scenario in your situation is for your husband to sincerely repent, ask for your forgiveness, allow you to have space and time for healing, seek help through Christian counseling, find an accountability partner, attend a recovery group in person or online, and pursue restoration on an individual and marriage relationship level. Unfortunately, it is not as easy to do as it is to say.
Pornography has multitudes of other struggles tied up with ongoing emotional and psychological issues, and social or economic problems such as financial hardship, problems at work, and challenges in personal relationships. If your spouse used porn as his escape or coping method for dealing with the stress in his life for many years, then the road to recovery will be a long journey.
Research has shown that pornography causes changes in the brain. While unnaturally creating prolonged dopamine levels, it can physically transform the brain and its chemical balance. It is different for every individual. A professional intervention is necessary for the process of adapting to new healthy patterns of coping and healing brain functioning.
Be aware that relapse is very common in this kind of healing process. Some men choose to go to therapy and attend recovery groups only to please their wives but not for themselves to seek repentance and change their habits and relationships. Their outcomes are sooner or later noticeable if the husband doesn’t have any sincere intentions.
It’s not healthy for you to become suspicious of every step your other half is taking. Your husband’s recovery road is between him and God. You can only pray and do your part with your own healing steps. There are so many more layers of this type of betrayal. This journey might be long and hard to manage on your own. There is hope for your marriage to be better than before. Reach out to a Christian counselor for a compassionate and experienced helping hand.