How to Cope with Divorce: Hope for the Hurting

No two relationships are the same. The people in them, their history, circumstances, and personalities mean there is endless variety in relationships such as marriages. From this, it follows that no two divorces will be the same.

Some marriages end because of infidelity, others crumble as the couple drifts apart and struggle to find common ground. In some cases, the divorce is amicable, while in others vitriol characterized the relationship, its breakdown, and aftermath.

This is all to say and highlight that it’s always tricky to try and give a one size fits all package of advice about coping with divorce. For example, coping with divorce while it’s still fresh won’t necessarily look the same after two years or more have passed. Circumstances will differ, so what follows are broad considerations for how to cope and deal with divorce.

How to Cope with Divorce

Give yourself time to mourn and heal.

Going through a divorce is an emotionally turbulent experience. Whether the marriage was a happy or bad one, getting divorced will bring with it a roller coaster of emotions such as grief, anger, sadness, shock. You need to prepare yourself to feel these emotions, sometimes all in one day.

It’s important not to underestimate the grief one can feel because of divorce, even when the divorce comes as a relief. As with the grief and other emotions that accompany other losses, grieving is a process that takes time. Give yourself that room.

Find support from your social networks.

Going through a divorce can be an exceptionally lonely experience. Having people around you who will support you as you go through the divorce process and emerge on the other side is crucial.

You will have good days and bad days. Having people who can encourage you and support you as you make the transition is helpful. Friends who can take on some of the chores your former spouse used to do or take the kids for an hour or two if you need a break.

It’s important to have a support network that can help you to grieve, but also to move forward from the pain. Some friends can help you grieve but become stuck in wallowing in the pain. You need to be able to keep moving and begin rebuilding your life. Another possible source of support is to consider therapy to help you develop coping skills and space to explore your thoughts and feelings about the divorce.

Stay active and healthy.

When you’re going through a tough time emotionally, one of the things that can easily slip and deteriorate is your physical health. When you don’t feel like exercising or eating healthy, that affects not only your physical health but mental and emotional health as well.

Maintain your hobbies, eat healthy fresh food, get good rest, keep up your exercise, or take up something simple like walking if you weren’t exercising before. Divorce is stressful, and to manage stress one must take care of their body by making sure it gets what it needs.

It’s also important to stay healthy by avoiding addictive substances and moderating your intake of alcohol. While they may provide temporary relief, in the long run, they may produce more problems for you to deal with.

Break the news to the kids together.

Divorce affects everyone involved, and that includes your children. If you are undergoing stress due to the divorce, it can be a particularly difficult time for your children, especially if they’re younger.

Self-care during this time is a must but keep your eyes on the kids. Their emotional and physical health is important in its own right and will feed into your own. Where possible, break the news to the kids first and together with your ex.

The kids need to understand that they are still loved that they aren’t the cause of the divorce, and that whatever the differences that exist between their parents, they will remain a priority. Giving them that stability during a turbulent time will help them to better cope.

Maintain clear communication.

One key to retaining that stability for your children and avoid unnecessary drama is to have clear communication with your ex and avoiding arguments with them. Divorce brings with it a swirl of emotions: anger, sadness, relief, and everything in between.

Those emotions can easily complicate your communication with your ex. It may be tempting to lash out, go down memory lane, be resentful, or otherwise inject your communication with emotion. If there are kids in the picture, they can wind up being caught in the middle of the storm.

To be clear and concise in your communication, try as best you can to remain objective, polite and stick to the point. If there are deadlines for school projects or dates for recitals and other events, point these out so that they don’t slip through the cracks.

The key thing about clear communication is that you want to avoid conflict that emerges from unclear communication, and you don’t want to introduce unnecessary complications into the situation through that lack of clarity. Having fewer arguments with your ex is a load off during a stressful time.

Clear communication with your children is also vital so that they know what is happening and what is expected of them. Talking with them to understand what they are feeling can help you nip issues in the bud before they escalate.

Rest in God and community.

Divorce can generate feelings of failure and blaming yourself. There may be many “what ifs” uttered, wondering if you were the perfect spouse and if there was more you could have done. There is no such thing as a perfect human being, and so there’s no such thing as a perfect spouse.

It takes two to make a marriage work, while there’s usually no one who’s blameless when a divorce happens, you must let go of that over which you had no responsibility. Part of the process of coping with divorce and growing beyond the situation is to learn to exorcise blame.

When you add the expectations of some communities of faith in the mix, that can be another source of stress and feeling guilty. Some communities of faith have strict rules around divorce and aren’t sensitive to the complexities of marriage and the paths people take to get to divorce.

Nonetheless, it’s important to remain connected to God as that is a vital relationship. The community of God’s people, when they exercise grace and pastoral care, can also be a source of rest and support for people who have divorced. Your communities of care may have people in them who have walked the journey with you. Find rest and solace within such communities.

While some people will treat the details of your life with gentleness and care, for some people it is fodder for gossip. Don’t feel that you owe a comprehensive explanation to everyone who asks you about what happened. It’s not rude to state the simple facts and avoid getting into further details.

Watch your spending.

With divorce comes a change in financial circumstances. It’s quite likely that there will be less disposable income available as expenses and income are now being split between two households. Changing your spending patterns to suit your new circumstances is a wise move.

Sometimes, it is also tempting to fill the hole in your own and your kids’ hearts through retail therapy, but that may only succeed in increasing financial pressure on already strained resources. As the Teacher says in Ecclesiastes, “I said to myself, ‘Come now, I will test you with pleasure to find out what is good.’ But that also proved to be meaningless” (2:1).

Spending money to compete with your ex for the kids’ affections is an arms race with no winners because the real issues at stake aren’t being addressed, only papered over with purchases. The stability and guidance your children need from you during this time cannot be bought or easily substituted. Being careful with your spending will help you reduce financial stress while giving you room to creatively provide your children with the loving attention they need.

Christian Counseling After a Divorce

Getting divorced is a stressful reality. It’s not a journey you have to take on your own though. If you are struggling to know how to cope with divorce, do not hesitate to look for help in your support system or through therapy. While one season of your life has ended, there is every possibility of an enriching, full life after divorce.