6 Tips for Dealing with Resentment in Marriage

Resentment in marriage is like a slow-growing disease that could wreak havoc on all systems of your relationship. It’s a silent killer that at first destroys the spouse who holds onto it, then spills over onto the other spouse. Resentment can easily spin out of control toward hatred or apathy, so it needs to be dealt with as soon as possible.

Resentment in marriage.

Resentment in marriage can be healed if it is dealt with at the root level. It usually starts with an incident of anger. If you can go back and deal with the anger underlying the original incident, there is hope for breaking free from resentment.

You may be surprised to learn that anger can be either righteous or sinful. Sometimes, it is a sign that something is wrong that needs to be confronted or let go. God expresses righteous anger against sin because he is holy. However, because we are sinners, our anger is never purely righteous, and it is such a strong emotion that we must learn to express even our righteous anger in a godly way, so it does not develop into resentment.

But what if resentment has already taken root? A qualified counselor can uncover the roots of that anger in your marriage. These may stem from an incident in your marriage, or it’s quite possible that it exists due to childhood hurts that were never properly forgiven. You may have layers of resentment from childhood that are spilling over into your marriage, and a Christian counselor can help you break free.

For example, a wife may understandably feel resentment toward her husband due to his emotional involvement with another woman. But this resentment could also be linked to unforgiveness toward her father, who also had inappropriate relationships with other women. Since this is a complex and multilayered problem, this wife would benefit from speaking with a professional about this problem, so it no longer has a hold on her.

Anger and resentment.

How are anger and resentment different in marriage? Anger is typically a quick, gut-level response to a trigger. But resentment is not sudden and lasts longer than anger. Resentment involves rumination and brooding over real or perceived faults. It can cause more damage in the long run because it’s hidden inside.

Anger is linked to real or perceived hurt, frustration, fear, or injustice. Resentment involves self-pity and defensiveness as you think about the wrongs done to you. When you resent someone, you may think about all the ways your spouse doesn’t deserve your respect, and how you might retaliate in revenge. Resentment is more prolonged.

Anger can burn out on its own if you receive an apology for the incident or decide to simply let it go. But resentment is slower burning because it is typically not linked to just one incident. Resentment may simmer because of unfairness and challenging patterns, not isolated events. This is the reason resentment is more difficult and complex to deal with than anger in marriage.

Why we resent in marriage.

Though at some level we know that resentment is negative, we choose to resent our spouses to guard ourselves against getting hurt again. However, though you may start in self-protection, you will be smothered by the negativity and destructive power of resentment.

Resentment in marriage does not exist in isolation. Unfortunately, other negative emotions can be produced from it such as criticism, judgment, self-pity, defensiveness, bitterness, and unforgiveness. Though you may feel justified in feeling angry over an original incident, these other negative emotions tied together can take a toll on your mental, emotional, physical, relational, and spiritual health.

Sometimes we resent in marriage because we think the other person will eventually come around, apologize, or change. But holding onto resentment seldom produces these results. Instead, we need to open up, share our feelings, confront, and do the hard work of restoration. This can be difficult to do as a couple, but you can get help from a Christian counselor who will guide you through a restoration process.

Removing resentment in marriage.

Because resentment keeps stress hormones activated at a low level, you can suffer adverse effects over time on your immune system, cardiovascular system, and gastrointestinal system. It’s worth working to remove resentment in marriage not only to improve your relationship with your spouse but to save your physical and emotional health and possibly even extend your lifespan.

Here are several strategies for removing resentment in marriage that you can do on your own or under the direction of a Christian counselor.

Surrender to God.

We must give the entire matter over to God to remove our resentment in marriage. Because resentment is so deeply rooted, we have to engage God’s supernatural power to remove it. It’s not possible to do this fully by ourselves – we must rely on God’s help to overcome in this area. Every day, you can tell God that you are surrendering the matter over to Him, trusting that He will give you the power to overcome.

Pray daily.

Daily prayer is essential for eliminating resentment against your spouse. When you are resentful, your spouse may feel like your enemy, and Jesus told us we need to pray for our enemies in Matthew 5:44. Your real enemy is Satan, and you can also pray that God will thwart his attempts to overthrow your marriage via resentment.

The more you pray for your spouse the greater God will soften your heart and start reducing your resentment. No matter how much your spouse may have hurt you, praying for them will help reduce the hurt over time.

Study the Bible.

The Bible has several examples of releasing resentment. In the Old Testament, Joseph decided to completely forgive his brothers for selling him into slavery. He cast aside his hurt at their injustice when he said, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” (Gen. 50:20, NIV).

God did a mighty work in Joseph’s heart while he was imprisoned for a crime he did not commit to get him to a place where he could forgive his brothers without resentment.

Jesus is another amazing example of refusing to resent people who caused intentional hurt. Instead of resenting the Pharisees who knew about God more than anyone else, he said of them, “Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were not willing.” (Matt. 23:37, NIV).

Jesus also set aside resentment in a key moment when Roman soldiers nailed Him to the cross. He prayed, “Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.” (Luke 23:34, NIV). You can follow Jesus’ example as you work to let go of resentment toward your spouse.

Meditate, don’t ruminate.

Rather than ruminating over and over about the wrongs you feel have been committed against you, you can meditate on the truths in God’s Word to enjoy greater peace and healing. Every time you are tempted to ruminate, put a Bible verse in front of you that will encourage and uplift you.

Think carefully about the verse, considering how it might help you grow closer to God, follow Jesus’ example, and love your spouse with an open heart. By meditating on God’s word, you will be able to replace Satan’s lies with the ultimate truth.

Be attuned.

When you are attuned to your spouse, you are focused on understanding their feelings. You can also focus on being more attuned to your own feelings. Attunement can help you stay in the moment, process anger so it doesn’t turn into resentment, and show greater compassion for your spouse.

Focus on being attuned when you feel like your feelings are spiraling out of control. Pay attention to signs in your body that you are becoming reactive or responding to stress. Then take a few moments to pray and breathe deeply so you can calm down and identify your feelings. You can return this favor when you see your spouse getting upset, so you will be able to respond rather than react to their words or behaviors. This will head off resentment before it begins.

Offer empathy.

You can use empathy to erase resentment in your marriage. Rather than getting defensive with your spouse, try to empathize with their hurt, frustration, fear, or sense of injustice. Name their feelings to show that you understand. For example, you can say something like, “It sounds like you are getting frustrated. Can you tell me more?” This will help open a discussion so you can understand one another better.

Empathy lends hope to conversations when you feel stuck. It can also help you understand your spouse’s childhood or past hurts, and how those are affecting your current relationship. A Christian counselor can help you unpack these issues so you can both experience healing.

Christian counseling for resentment in marriage.

Resentment can be deadly to marriages unless it is addressed. If resentment has crept into your marriage, don’t hesitate to get help from a qualified Christian counselor. Your counselor’s objective and compassionate viewpoint can help you remove the barricades in your marriage created by resentment. Contact us today to learn more about how we can help you with this marriage problem.